“Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow,
Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead,
Walk beside me…”
― Albert Camus
At the launching stage, typically between ages 18 and 29, the relationship between the parent and young adult needs to reform. A definition of “reform” is to change in order to improve. In a contrarian way, I believe this next foundational practice should involve getting closer to our young adults and not backing away. Let’s be clear about what getting closer doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean getting closer by exerting more control or trying to direct the young adult to our desired ends.
Getting Closer to Our Adult Child
Parents are often the most influential people in a child’s life up to adolescence. As adolescents and young adults develop separate identities and push for independence, parents must adjust their parenting approach to sustain the relationship. It’s easier said than done. If parents believe the young adult is not progressing toward responsible independence or making poor choices, it’s hard to back off. We must remind ourselves as parents that we cannot control their decisions or actions. Furthermore, we are not responsible for their behavior or the cause of it. Finally, we are not responsible for fixing or changing them; such efforts may even strengthen their resolve to do what they want. However, we can influence their trajectory on the path to independence. Getting closer in this new phase of the family life cycle means moving alongside them to support the development of their separate identity and their striving for greater autonomy. It means walking beside them in partnership to support their life’s journey.
Get Real
The first way to get closer to our young adults is to “get real.” By this, I mean being honest about our past and present worries, concerns, fears, shortcomings, mistakes, and lack of answers. We often try to figure out our new roles and responsibilities with kids of different ages. It can be helpful to admit this and to recognize we don’t have all of the answers, and we can’t control the process of letting go. This openness to learning how to work together on the path to letting go establishes a more equal footing and exploration of the future. We’re both learners of how to work together to ensure the transition goes smoothly. This learner approach is an aspect of vulnerability that elicits a willingness on the part of the young adult to disclose some of their worries, concerns, and fears about the future and the process of moving toward adulthood.
Focus on Words & Actions
A second way to move closer to our kids at the launch stage is to focus on words and actions that indicate an effort to establish a positive identity and seek greater independence. These are two of the critical development tasks of adolescence and young adulthood. Anytime you spot progress in these areas, reinforce this by expressing appreciation and encouraging further similar actions. We spend too much time identifying signs of failing in the transition or troubling behavior at the expense of recognizing progress. There’s strong evidence that people, including our kids, need 3 to 5 more positive expressions or compliments to offset one critical statement. There are signs of progress, but you have to look for them.
Building a Support Community
A third task that parents need to support is the young adult’s building a support community, which may include relationships with a significant other. Although video gaming clearly has an addictive quality, when these young adults do this with others, it often involves a social connection. It’s not a substitute for hanging out with friends in person, but it’s better than playing solitaire or video games alone.
How do we get closer, reform the relationship, and influence the young adult? In my book, due out later this summer, I point out that the parent may need to pull the young adult out of the home versus push. There’s quite a difference when the parents say, “Let’s go workout or let’s do a volunteer project together” versus “Why don’t you work out or do some volunteer work?” The former gets them out with you and introduces them to a network of people who can become new friends, sources of positive influence, and maybe even a lead on a job.
Listen & Enquire
A fourth way of shifting the relationship to become closer and more supportive of their transition into adulthood is strengthening one’s ability to listen and to enquire in ways that don’t shut down dialogue. Listening involves more than just hearing and understanding in one’s own mind. It consists of checking out what you are hearing being said by your young adult, so you are sure you understand them and, most importantly, they believe you understand them. This can be done by simply summarizing what you are hearing and asking if you have understood them. We all want to be heard, which is true with our young adults. Learning more about our kids thinking and plans for the future involves asking questions. The best questions are open-ended and encourage further exploration and dialogue. In my workshops, I’m continually reminded of how vital these two skills are and how participants have not used them to become more supportive of their adult kids. Listening nonjudgmentally and openly isn’t new, but we often default to telling versus listening and asking. When we do, we risk shutting down the dialogue and pushing our kids away.
Feedback and Feedforward
A final way to get closer to our young adults and help them transition to adulthood is to ask for feedback and feedforward. These two skills are referenced in earlier blogs, but as a reminder and for those who have not read about these skills, let me describe them. The specific application of these comes from my good friend and mentor, Marshall Goldsmith. His advice, whether in business or the family, is to ask for positive feedback (what I am doing right as a parent) and then ask for feedforward about how I could be a better dad or mom. If you want to get closer and support their transition, ask the following two questions:
- First, what have I been doing that supports your efforts to carve out your identity and move toward greater independence?
- Second, what two or three suggestions do you have for how I can be a more supportive parent in your efforts to establish your identity and independence?
In each case, say thank you after getting the feedback and feedforward. Secondly, commit to continuing to do what they think is helpful and pick one or two of their suggestions for improvement and commit to these. Then, it’s critically important to follow through on these commitments and check with your young adult weekly about how you are doing. The former commitment is essential to ensure we are changing our behavior. The latter commitment is critical to ensure that our young adults observe the behavior change, change their perceptions, and, at a minimum, appreciate your efforts to improve. It’s humbling to ask our adult kids to tell us what we are doing right and what we can do better. Yet, who knows better how we could improve as a parent? We are both a work in progress, and we may stumble, but our kids will appreciate our efforts to get closer in a different, supportive way, and our relationship will grow stronger.
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