Quite a few young adults feel comfortable living at home, taking advantage of room and board, if not other services, and playing video games late into the night. Such an identity will not naturally lead to leaving home, getting a job, finding an apartment, etc. Japan has a severe problem in this regard, which is labeled hikikomori. It is a condition in which young adults refuse to leave their parent’s house, do not work or go to school, and isolate themselves in their rooms. It’s estimated that the number of these shut-ins exceeds 1.5 million.
According to a 2020 PEW Research study, over fifty percent of young adults 18-29 in the United States live with one or both parents. Not all are “shut-ins” as described above, but this percentage is greater than ever. Moving on and out with one’s life as a young adult is essential, as is establishing an identity. The late teens and emerging adulthood period is a time of establishing one’s identity and pursuing independence. These two goals intersect dynamically so that one supports the other. It’s hard to be independent if young adults don’t have a strong sense of who they are and what’s important in their lives. Without these qualities, it can become easy or at least more comfortable to default to an identity defined by circumstances and everyday experiences. But before we go further, let’s clarify this concept of identity.
What is Identity in Young People?
Much has been written about identity formation in youth, and it’s fair to say, given the prolongation of adolescence, that this is also an emerging adult challenge. What do we mean by identity? Identity describes the distinctive qualities or traits that make an individual unique. Identities are strongly associated with self-concept, self-image, and self-esteem. Identity, like self-esteem, can be characterized by being traits and doing traits. In our Western society, we place a high value on “doing” qualities, and often, when meeting someone new, we ask, “What do you do?” We typically don’t ask, “Who are you?” Today, more than at any other time in our history, emerging adults have more permission from society to explore and experiment with different identities, including gender types and sexual orientation. Social media encourages this experimentation as Facebook lists 58 different gender types one could embrace.
What Are the Challenges of Identity?
Erik Erickson argued that adolescents face a significant identity crisis, identity vs. identity diffusion. Successfully navigating this stage in life leads to a stable identity. James Marcia, a developmental psychologist, expanded Erickson’s concept to say that young people may experience four different statuses:
- Identity diffusion is when the young person has not committed to a specific identity. This would characterize the person described above as living with their parents without a job, school, or plans for independence.
- Identity foreclosure describes a situation in which a person has prematurely committed to a direction or status in life, possibly because parents or peers have pressured the young person. One common experience some young adults have is going to college immediately after high school because of peer pressure or the parent’s desire and then failing the first semester.
- Identity moratorium is a state in which individuals actively explore different ways to define themselves while keeping options open.
- Identity achievement occurs when adolescents or young adults choose a more stable and sustainable identity.
Adolescents and emerging adults struggling with identity often exhibit certain behaviors. Parents recognize some of these signs because they usually create confusion. Emerging adults may change their opinions in contradictory ways. They frequently change jobs or interests. Relationships with friends or significant others can be unstable. The relationship with parents is often challenging, not simply in terms of conflict but around dependency needs and desire for independence. For parents, this isn’t very clear, and I like to use the analogy that it is like dancing with your young adult, but you are each dancing to different music. When the young adult moves close, and you respond in kind, they back away. As adult children develop a more stable identity and establish their independence, they will have less of an inclination to step on each other’s toes.
What Can Parents Do?
Parents can continue to play a significant role in their children’s identity development late into the twenties:
- I advise parents to reinforce their children’s unique and admirable personal qualities and values. These qualities include being funny, caring, intelligent, creative, likable, friendly, honest, etc. These “being” qualities are often overlooked and underappreciated, yet they are essential attributes of their identity.
- Reinforce “doing” traits or skills that they have or have demonstrated in the past. I work with a young adult with Asperger Syndrome who has exceptional spatial skills and can put a puzzle together in half the time it takes me. When I was growing up, I argued quite effectively with my parents to the point they said I should become a lawyer. I took pre-law in college and almost became a lawyer. Almost!
- Recognize that they are exploring and experimenting and allow for changes in opinion, ideas, and choices. This, too, shall pass is a good mantra. Patience is required.
- Be available to listen, offer feedback, and make suggestions as requested so you become a reality check or someone they trust to bounce ideas off of. Research shows that young adults turn to their parents more than their peers for advice.
We need to remind ourselves that it’s their life and decisions, and we can’t control them, change them, or fix them in ways we want. At best, we can love them, value them, tell them they matter, and be there for them if they stumble or ask for help. My experience is that most young adults who run into various problems and challenges right themselves, ultimately. As such, we need to take a long view. The way they are today will not be the way they are tomorrow.
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