Am I a “Good Enough” Parent?

Being a parent is one big guilt trip. Parents are the guiltiest segment of our population. We put much pressure on ourselves to be excellent parents, but our kids often don’t live up to our aspirations. Comparisons to other parents on or outside social media cause us to wonder where we have gone wrong. In one study, only 3% of parents thought they were excellent parents. I still need to meet those 3% of parents; maybe they are out there. I’m not in that 3%, but I consider myself a B+ or A- father. I could have done better and expressed this apologetically to my three kids. They know I love them and always will, and I believe they know I will be there for them if they struggle or need me.

On the other hand, I could have been more proactive and done more one-on-ones with them than I did. It’s easy to go to their games, plays, and programs, but taking special one-to-one time with each takes intentional effort but has a big payoff and cherished memories. By the way, finding unique connections with our kids is never too early or too late. I don’t beat myself up about my failures as a parent and think I was a good enough parent that my kids could experience the love and structure that would enable them to become responsive adults.

Striving for perfection or even excellence is a recipe for a life of guilt. Don’t strive for perfection in your parenting because your kids will also believe they must be perfect. That represents a double whammy for kids striving to be perfect for themselves and their parents. Dr. Donald Winnicott, a psychoanalyst, coined the phrase “good enough parenting” to indicate that we don’t have to be perfect parents to raise healthy kids. He suggested that as little as 30% of the time spent meeting the child’s needs is sufficient to create happy, well-attached children. I am still trying to figure out where he came up with the 30% and have yet to see specific research to support this, but the takeaway is that we can fall short of perfect parenting and still raise healthy children.

I don’t work with parents who don’t love and want the best for their children. Sometimes, parents want too much and give too much to their children. Children deserve and demand our attention and responsiveness, but not at the expense of the parents meeting some of their needs. We have become a society of “children come first” – much different than the one I grew up in that had a mentality of “children are to be seen and not heard.” Neither of these approaches will yield the best results, and the children come first mentality has contributed to an attitude of entitlement that was less true of past generations.

Good Enough and Imperfection During Parenting of Young Adults

This thought of our imperfections or mistakes can often arise when our kids become young adults and take paths different than the ones we expected. We can mistake a difference in careers, lifestyle, and values as wrong or a sign of parental failure rather than just different. My mother used to say – “where did we go wrong that your beliefs are so different than what we taught you?” I’m sure many of you have debated different values, religious and political beliefs, careers, lifestyle decisions, etc. These differences make for rich Thanksgiving Dinner conversations, and these gatherings are so important to say we are still a family that loves each other even though we may think we live in different worlds.

With the transition period of adolescents into young adults, we need to adopt some different perspectives. In other writings and my book Parenting Our Young Adults with Love and Backbone, I have stated that parents need to know they can no longer control their young adults and are not responsible for their decisions or actions. Overparenting (control and caretaking) discourages independence and critical skill attainment, leading to depressive and anxious symptoms, greater alcohol use, lower educational achievements, and more social and relational issues. Just adopting these two beliefs can make a huge difference in how some parents approach their kids. Parents cannot control their young adults, but they can influence them, and the qualities that lead to being influential include adopting the following perspectives and actions.

First, it is a recognition that parents love their kids and want them to be happy, self-sufficient, and independent. But young adults also love their parents and want happiness and self-sufficiency. Understanding this acknowledges that we are all on the same page, although the “how” of getting to happiness and self-sufficiency may differ. Second, Winnicott suggests parents be less responsive as children grow older. I’m afraid I have to disagree. Parents should continue to be responsive but shift from a caretaking type of responsiveness to responding in ways that promote greater independence and responsibility. Sometimes, parents who all at once back off, avoid interactions, and resist suggestions can cause a sense of abandonment and neglect, and some of these adolescents or young adults will act out to re-engage their parents. Third, we must shift from our expectations and aspirations for our kids to their aspirations. This shift is challenging for parents whose young adults are taking a radically different life path. But we have to let go and acknowledge that they are not clones of us or our desires and respect them as unique individuals. Finally, if we are plagued with guilt, we must learn to apologize and let go of the past, and in doing so, we teach our kids to do the same. Similarly, we need to forgive. Forgive ourselves for not being perfect parents and forgive our kids for decisions or actions we don’t support.

Parent Report Card

In the last chapter of my book, The Launch Code, to be published in 2024, I recommend developing a report card and measuring our parenting against certain practices. Although we want our children to be happy, successful, and independent and see us as good enough parents, we can’t give them our report card. We have to measure our parenting as demonstrating love, being consistent with our principles, and being likely to increase responsible independence in our kids. Here’s a proposed parent report card based on practices I outline in the book. How do you rate yourself? Remember, there is no such thing as a perfect grade, a 4.0 or higher in parenting school.

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Dr. Jack Stoltzfus

Licensed Psychologist at Parents Letting Go

Dr. Stoltzfus’ mission is to provide information, education, guidance and resources to parents of young adults who are struggling to launch or let go while maintaining a positive, caring relationship with their young adult.

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