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Parents Letting Go - Dr. Jack Stoltzfus

Parental Coaching & Resources in Minnesota

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There are six practices parents need to embrace or strengthen to successfully launch their young adults in the “right” way. The foundational practice of demonstrating unconditional love is the subject of this blog. In my book, Love to Let Go: Loving Our Kids into Adulthood, I make a case for the essential practice of showing unconditional love to foster a sense of security necessary for the young adult to venture forth. I liken this to the toddler stage, when a secure relationship allows the toddler to explore more of the space away from their mother. When we are trying to let go and back off, it may seem contradictory to express unconditional love actively, but I assure you that this is necessary. In a recent survey of over 100 parents, over 90% indicated that they believe they demonstrate unconditional love. Here’s an opportunity to check out how you exhibit this practice.

Parent Self-Assessment

Please answer the following questions regarding the extent to which you believe these characteristics are true in your relationship with your young adult.  Please use the following rating scale:

 

0______1______2_____3______4______5______6______7______8______9______10

0= completely not true                   5= somewhat true and false                         10= completely true

 

  1. You believe your young adults can get your attention when they want to. ______

 

  1. You believe you try to show that you want to listen and understand them. ______

 

  1. You tell or show them that you think they are important to you. ______

 

  1. You show acceptance of their feelings and emotions without ignoring or being judgmental. _____

 

  1. You allow them to be different from you in beliefs, values, feelings, and actions. _____

 

  1. You show unconditional love for them because they are your children regardless of their achievements or shortcomings. _____

 

  1. You allow them to develop and have their own identity. ______

 

  1. You allow and support their freedom and independence while staying connected to them. ______

 

  1. You allow them to make mistakes and fail while continuing to show love and acceptance. _____

 

  1. You show a willingness to listen, consider, change your mind, and otherwise be influenced by them while maintaining your values and beliefs_____

 

A perfect score of perfect parents on this practice would be 100. If you scored somewhat lower than 100 (and I predict that to be the case for us) there is an opportunity to strengthen one or more of these practices. However, how you score yourself is not the best predictor of whether this practice exists, nor are we the best judges of how and what we need to do to improve. If you are brave enough to give this assessment to your young adult, you can get a reality check. Furthermore, the assessment below allows the young adult to offer suggestions for how you might improve in one or more of these areas.

If you ask your young adult to complete this either by printing it out or notifying him about this in an email, reassure him you won’t be critical of his responses, and you will try to work on at least two of their suggestions. Let your young adult know that this request is something you are making so you can work on being a more loving parent. If your young adult completes this, ask for an opportunity to discuss this with them, and be sure you are clear on what you need to do to improve. When you have this discussion, please don’t debate their scores. Perception is one’s reality, and yours and theirs may not match up. That said, embrace this as an opportunity to be a better, more loving parent.

Young Adult Assessment of Parent

Please answer the following questions regarding your view of your parent’s relationship with you and approach to you.

 

0______1______2______3______4______5______6______7______8_____9_____10

0= completely not true                 5= somewhat true and false                         10= completely true

 

Please offer suggestions after each rating of ways your parent can better demonstrate the quality or behavior you just rated.

 

  1. I believe I can get your attention when I want to. ______
    What one or two things could your parent do to increase this score.

 

  1. I believe you try to show that you want to listen and understand me. ______
    What one or two ways could your parent say or do to improve on this?

 

  1. You tell and show me that you think I am important to you. ______
    What one or two ways could your parent show you that you are important to me?

 

  1. You show acceptance of my feelings and emotions without ignoring these or being judgmental. _____
    What one or two ways could your parent do better at accepting your feelings?

 

  1. You allow me to be different from you in my beliefs, values, feelings, and actions. _____
    What one or two ways could your parent improve in this area?

 

  1. You show unconditional love for me because I am your child regardless of my achievements or shortcomings. _____
    What one or two ways could your parent do better at showing unconditional love for you?

 

  1. You allow me to develop my own identity. ______
    What one or two ways could your parent do better at this?

 

  1. You allow and support my freedom and independence while still connecting to me. ______
    What one or two things could your parent allow you more freedom and    independence?

 

  1. You allow me to make mistakes and fail while continuing to love and accept me. _____
    What one or two ways could your parent do better on this?

 

  1. You show a willingness to listen, consider, change your mind, and otherwise be influenced by me while maintaining your values and beliefs_____
    What one or two ways could your parent do better on this?

 

For more help with this practice, consider purchasing the book love to let go through the link below:

Love to Let Go

LOVE TO LET GO: LOVING OUR KIDS INTO ADULTHOOD (digital & print)

Love to Let Go is the second in a series of books about is about unconditional love. It is available on Amazon for $4.95 (digital) or $9.95 (print).

Special Request:

An individual had written a really scathing review of me on google. Never heard of the person nor saw him as a client unless this person is using an anonymous name. I had two male clients, both with anger issues, leave dissatisfied with my advice. In one case of a young man who was angry at his father and complaining about his life but stating he was not depressed, I said he was suffering from PPA- Piss Poor Attitude. He wasn’t happy to hear this. I pride myself in my listening skills but also my willingness to give feedback that a client may not like.

I can’t change this review, although I replied to it, but I would welcome and appreciate and positive reviews you can give that could help to elevate my score and indicate that this specific review is a bit of an anomaly. If you are willing to write such a review- couple of sentences- please click on the following links. Thanks so much.

Get a Free Sample Chapter of My Book

Fill out the form below to get a free sample chapter of my book, The Parent’s Launch Code: Loving and Letting Go of Our Adult Children.

Dr. Jack Stoltzfus
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