To successfully launch a young adult, we must support their independence and self-sufficiency while retaining the caring bond we all want to have with them. We know we have to let go, but we want to continue to experience the love between us.
Today, more than ever, this special bond of love between us and our adult kids is jeopardized by young adults who cut off relationships with parents. One in four young adults cut off communication with parents at some time, and in a few cases indefinitely. This estrangement phenomenon is often fostered inadvertently by therapists who accept an unconfirmed view of a toxic home environment and don’t challenge the young adult’s role or responsibility. The sad reality for parents who experience this estrangement is that there may be nothing they can do if the young adult is determined to end the relationship. What’s gone wrong in these situations is a complex question. Still, the fundamentals of unconditional love and a strong bond between the young adult and child may have been lacking. This cutoff didn’t just happen as a product of a failed launch. But to be clear, there are some cases where love and bond existed, but the cutoff occurred anyway. This speaks to the fact that we cannot control our young adults.
The Parent’s Launch Code
The first chapter of my book, The Parent’s Launch Code, due this fall, begins with the number one practice every parent needs to communicate and show: unconditional love. I have never met or worked with a parent who does not love their teen or adult child. It doesn’t always mean that the parent is loving. Emotions such as guilt, shame, anger, resentment, and fear may block this love. It also doesn’t mean that the relationship is uncontentious or without problems. But I know from my own experience and others when the relationship is difficult or troubled, doubt may exist in both the parents and young adults that they are loved by the other.
What are some ways in which parents can ensure this unconditional love is expressed? It starts with communicating in a heartfelt way. I have told the example a colleague shared in a therapy session with a father and son who required family therapy by the court system because of the teen’s behavior. The teen asked if the father would cry if he died. A question of whether the teen mattered to his father or not. The father said – “there are not enough buckets in the world to hold the tears I would cry if I lost you.” Our kids want to hear this because it speaks to this solid parental love and affection bond. Unconditional love doesn’t start with “I love you” followed by a “but” or “however.” What follows these conjunctions negates the message of love and conflates the person’s love with concerns about their behavior. I recommend separating these messages. Unconditional love is fundamentally about the person – their being – which is of infinite worth regardless of the behavior. It’s essential to get this message right and repeat it often, even if you think they know it, or it seems awkward. But just saying it is not enough.
6 Characteristics of Unconditional Love
Beyond this, there are other ways we can show unconditional love. Parents continue to provide a guarantor relationship to young adults, vowing to be there for them throughout their lives. Even in their darkest times, experiencing despair and loneliness, our young adults can survive if they know we love them and are there for them. In this way, as in their childhood, our love for them is life-sustaining and lifesaving. In the above book, I describe behaviors characteristic of this unconditional love:
- First, encouraging a separate identity – they are not just clones of us.
- Second, acknowledging their admirable qualities and gifts and reinforcing these.
- Third, listening and considering their views.
- Fourth, showing empathy as a quality that deepens our connection to them.
- Fifth, being nurturing and comforting when they are struggling or suffering.
- Finally, showing trust and an ability to count on them.
Since relationships are reciprocal, our expressions of these loving behaviors increase the likelihood of receiving them back. Communicating and expressing unconditional love has value beyond the affirmation of our kids.
Studies have found that parental warmth and affection protect children against the harmful biological impact of childhood stress and reduce the risk of adult disease. Parents who are less controlling when playing with young children have stronger bonds with their kids. It speaks to the importance of allowing a separate identity. When a strong bond or trust exists, and parents are emotionally available to their kids, they learn to trust, rely on others, build more authentic relationships, and better regulate their emotions. With a loving, secure, and safe relationship, kids, including big kids, thrive and move naturally to develop a separate identity and become more self-sufficient and independent while staying connected with their parents.
Life is short, and we don’t know how long we will have with our adult kids—all the more reason not to hesitate to communicate and show our love for them. I like to write this message and give it to my kids as a permanent record of my love and affection for them. You may not be a writer, but it’s not about how well you write but how heartfelt your message is. Whether we write or verbalize our message of love, we must communicate this for our sake as well as theirs. We need to do this and leave no doubt.
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