For young adults in our society, leaving home is a normal rite of passage. The decision to go and the timing, however, can be challenging. Some parents are eager to launch, but the young adult is resistant. At other times, the young adult is eager to leave, but the parents resist, believing their child is too immature and incapable of making it in the real world. A positive launch should avoid the parents “kicking the child out” or the young adult walking out angrily and cutting off communication. A recent study found that one in four young adults cut off communication with parents for an average of four months, and some go off the radar indefinitely. No parent wants to face this heartbreaking estrangement, but the young adult suffers as well because we are wired to relate, especially to our family.
Align With the Desire for Independence
If a young adult over eighteen wants to leave, you don’t have the power or right to block the doorway. And I do not support throwing their clothes in the front yard and changing the locks as some supposed tough love advocates suggest. That’s a stupid idea. That’s a sure recipe for a cutoff from the parents. We need to act in love and not out of anger, resentment, or frustration. It’s important to understand that a desire to establish a separate identity and seek independence is a normal inclination for late adolescents and young adults. We should align with and support our adult children’s desire to have their own identity and strive for emancipation. Although the 18-year-old needs to take responsibility for how they will survive outside the home, parents can offer some support in finding housing, providing health and auto insurance coverage, and maybe some furniture for an apartment. These can be safety measures to avoid catastrophic medical bills or gestures of support such as furniture or groceries. Even if you are reticent to support the young adult in their move because they may be belligerent or contentious, separate this behavior from the underlying desire for autonomy. Focus on positive actions toward independence by the young adult and ignore, downplay, or avoid getting ensnared in contentious actions or communications in support of their natural desire to be independent and self-sufficient.
Unacceptable Behavior
But what about situations where the young adult’s behavior at home is unacceptable to the parents? In my work, I recommend nonnegotiable expectations or house guidelines parents need to have for family members. These tend to be rules in society, such as no violence or threats of violence, no damage to property, no illicit drugs, and no stealing. Parents who “enable” or allow adult children to break these rules in the home do them no favors. The real world outside isn’t so forgiving. You may need to call 911 or the police if their actions are dangerous or destructive. It may be the only way they get help for their behavior. One final deal breaker is not a “no” but an expectation that the young adult will be responsible by attending further training, education, or working if remaining home. Doing nothing but playing video games is not an option. Work, if that’s the choice of the young adult, doesn’t have to start on day one, but there has to be some indication of progress by a specific time, and not finding the ideal job can’t be an excuse. We’ve all had to do jobs in the past that we didn’t like simply because we needed the money.
Two Signs the Young Adult Wants to Leave
Kids who live at home and don’t like the rules, such as the deal breakers, can signal a desire to move out by saying “I want to leave” or by defying the rules. In either case, the parents need to accommodate their wishes and begin to work with them to find alternative housing. These kids must understand that their parents aren’t kicking them out if they don’t comply with the rules; they are choosing to live elsewhere. No matter the circumstances, if the young adult leaves and doesn’t stick the landing, so to speak, if parents help in this transition, you reduce the risk of a cutoff or estrangement.
Exceptions
There are exceptions to moving out. These may include the following:
- First, the young adult may have a disability that prevents them from living independently even if they desire it. In such circumstances, parents need to decide what is best for their child. This decision may come down to whether or not the parent believes they can continue to care for the child at home or whether they need to live in a group home or similar setting.
- Second, parents and young adult children may enjoy living together where rules are followed, parents are respected, and the young adult contributes to the household needs and expenses. One study indicated that over sixty percent of parents enjoy having their young adult at home.
- Finally, home can be a transition resource for a young adult, which would not reflect any failure to launch problems. My daughter came home during her senior year in college to save money and prepare for a wedding after graduating. Sometimes, young adults move back in when they are building a house and need temporary housing. Sometimes, accidents or severe health concerns of either the young adult or parent may prompt a limited time back home.
The point is, if it’s not broken (a problem) for either party, there is no need to make it one. We see more nontraditional living situations than in past generations, so flexibility is important. One word of caution: if the young adult returns home or remains at home, there should be clarity regarding how and when they will move out.
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