“I have decided to discontinue my relationship and any contact with my father. I have tried to please him all my life by achieving excellent grades in school, graduating with a business degree, and becoming a successful accountant, but it was never enough. He always would find some way I didn’t quite measure up. I can’t face him anymore because it is too painful.”
This young man, now in his forties, has decided on a path of estrangement with his father to avoid the wounding he had known throughout his childhood.
The First Practice to a Successful Launch is Unconditional Love
The first practice that every parent needs to employ or strengthen is to show in word and action that their adult child is loved, not because of anything they do but because of who they are – a son or daughter. The message needs to be: “No matter what you say or do, I will never stop loving you. Nothing can stand in the way of my love for you.” As parents, we are wired to love our kids and express this, no matter what. Sue Klebold, mother of Dylan Klebold, one of the Columbine School shooters, said in her book A Mother’s Reckoning, even in the face of this horrendous act, I couldn’t stop loving my son.
We must also express love for our kids by showing that we “see them” and “they matter.” We see them, and they know we see them for who they are, especially their gifts. These are gifts not of accomplishment but are part of their DNA – caring, creative, outgoing, honest, resilient, thoughtful, sensitive, considerate, etc. These gifts come from inside and deserve as much or more of a trophy or recognition as accomplishments in sports, academics, or other endeavors. We need to “affirm” these gifts more than the outward accomplishments. It is not that the latter aren’t of value, as our society notes, but these accomplishments are transient. The father referenced above focused on outward accomplishments but always found that his son fell short. Why did you get an A- in this course and all A’s in the other courses? Unfortunately, I have had too many clients in my private practice, predominantly men, who have never received this unconditional affirmation or blessing from a father.
If you want to learn more about this damaging type of parenting, read The Lords of Discipline by Pat Conroy and hear his description of his father, the “Great Santini,” who refused to give Pat any credit for his accomplishments and never affirmed his inner worth. Pat Conroy writes of the pain and sadness of his experience with his father through the use of humor. But clearly, damage was done that humor couldn’t undo. He suffered from that history, married three times, and died in 2016. We must ask ourselves as parents: Are we expressing this unconditional love that says you count no matter what, and do we see and affirm our kid’s gifts?
The Importance of Love and Affirmation
Why is it important to show and express this love and affirm to our kids regardless of age? We may have grown up without this type of parenting and have been successful. First, it “secures” the relationship. By this, I am referring to the experience that toddlers have of a secure attachment to the caregiving mother or father. When there is a secure attachment, the toddler explores the room’s outer edges but periodically glances back to see if the parent is still there. The time of separation during late adolescence and young adulthood is a second period of differentiation. At this stage, the young adult explores the world outside the home, especially after earning a driver’s license. Knowing that one’s existence is affirmed and secure enables the young adult to move toward autonomy and self-sufficiency with confidence and a willingness to take some risks. It enables young adults to develop grit and resiliency because they know they have this base of love and support that will be there for them. When this love and affirmation aren’t there, the young adult may cling to the parents as a toddler might do if insecure or worse, cut off the insecure relationship. Second, for both the parents’ sake and the child’s, making it very clear that they are loved fills their needs. For young adults faced with a dark time of despair and wondering if life is worth living, knowing that someone loves them regardless of their actions or circumstances may be enough to cause them to choose life. For parents, knowing we have shown our love and affirmation of our child regardless of age speaks to our heart’s innermost desire.
Don’t Wait
While finishing my degree at Madison, the University of Wisconsin, I ran a drug treatment center for adolescents with drug abuse and delinquency problems. In one session with a single parent mother and her child, she became so exasperated with her sixteen-year-old son that she smacked him across the head. She then broke down and said she loved him so much but didn’t feel she could handle him anymore and was considering sending him to his estranged father, who lived in another state. She did that, and her son went to live with his father. Remarkably, her son started to do better in school and had obtained his driver’s license. She called to report this good news to me. A few months later, I got a call from her, and her voice betrayed a different emotion. She indicated who she was, then paused for what seemed like minutes and started sobbing. She said her son had driven through an intersection and was T boned by another car and died instantly. As her sobbing subsided, she said that she was happy he had been turning his life around, and she was grateful for the counseling and the opportunity to express her love to her son. She took some comfort in believing he knew how much she loved him.
It’s always possible to send a message of unconditional love and affirmation of the gifts you see in our children, no matter their age. Don’t assume – “Oh, they know I love them,” especially if the relationship is or has been strained over time. And if there are things you need to apologize for where performance was emphasized over character and could have given the impression that love was conditional, it might be time to set the record straight. If not now, when?
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