I was recently interviewed by Raya Quttaineh of Kare 11 on the practice of parents tracking children, including young adults. Today, 42% of parents track the location of their 18- to 24-year-olds. In a review of research, 33%-69% of U.S. families use digital tracking. Welcome to the digital age and digital parenting. Clearly, with iPhone, Life360, Garmin watches, etc., parents can track their kids. But should we, and at what age, and for what reasons? The capability of tracking or even cell phone connections never existed in my parents’ age. It was a more innocent time when parents would say, “go play and be back by supper.”
Parents are more overprotective today than they were before the Jacob Wetterling case. My son was Jacob’s age when Jacob was kidnapped. My wife became extremely vigilant about my son’s whereabouts, to the point of watching him bike to a neighbor’s and saying he needed to call when he arrived, or that she was coming to get him. I think the Jacob Wetterling kidnapping ushered in an era of fear-based parenting and can explain, in part, the phenomenon of overprotective parenting.
To Track or Not to Track? That is the Question.
It’s a complicated question and, unfortunately, doesn’t have a simple answer. First, location sharing through apps like Life360 is fairly common these days for many adults. This is often done between married couples, with mutual agreement from the parties involved. Since this involves consenting adults, parents who want to know where their young adults are should request permission. I make the assumption that the initial figure I gave of 42% tracking of 18- 24-year-olds is with mutual agreement. The tracking of teenagers under the age of 18 is a more challenging issue and grey area. I think the starting point relates to the purpose. Parents will argue that safety is the primary reason and benefit of tracking. The teen is out late, driving, in an unfamiliar part of town; there is an urgent need to find them (health or accident). It may give parents some peace of mind to know where their son or daughter is and that they are in a safe place. However, there is a downside to tracking.
The Downsides of Tracking
It can impede the development of autonomy if parents use the tracking to surveil their teen or young adult. It can send a message that the parent doesn’t trust the child. It can increase the parent’s active surveillance, which can increase anxiety and can lead to an interrogation of the teen or young adult when they arrive home. It’s one thing to check on the location of your young adult late at night and another to check every hour on their travel and whereabouts. Such a practice doesn’t help parents “let go.” Incidentally, tracking devices don’t always work. For instance, if the phone is turned off or dead, most devices will simply show the last location. If the phone is dead, it could indicate that there’s no cellular or WIFI connection. Finally, if a teen or young adult wanted to avoid surveillance, they could leave their phone at their friend’s house and take off to other locations. This last point is really important, and decisions regarding tracking should be based on trust, and alternatives to tracking should be explored and discussed with your teen or young adult.
Trust is Essential
Parents need to build relationships with their young adults based on trust. Trust that the child will be where they say they will be and trust that the parent won’t abuse a tracking device for unnecessary surveillance. With my kids, we had an expectation or agreement that if we needed to get ahold of them, they would answer their phone or call us within a short period of time. We didn’t feel the need to know each stop they made at friends’ houses or other locations. I think this is a reasonable expectation to have of our teens and young adults so that if there were an accident or health issue at home or some other serious concern, we could reach them.
My adult children track their children with watches and can contact them through these devices. However, as children move into the teen years and parents are challenged to “let go” a more graduated decrease of this practice might be considered along with open conversations of the value, when and how tracking might be used. The emphasis needs to be on trust and supporting the young adult’s independence and privacy.
Guidelines for Decision Making
In my book, The Parent’s Launch Code, I offer parents guidelines for decision making and actions when issues arise with teens and young adults:
- What is the purpose or concern for the consideration of tracking- safety, need to contact, accountability?
- Could this concern be addressed in some other way than tracking?
- Is the decision one that supports both trust and accountability between the parent and their teen or young adult? For example, if we call, answering may be a better option than constant location surveillance.
- Is the decision or action driven by love, concern, safety or fear, a need to control, distrust, etc.?
- Will the decision and action on tracking contribute to greater independence and responsibility of the teen/young adult or more dependence?
In the end, as parents, we need to make the best decisions we can, and we often face new challenges that our parents didn’t have to consider. Parents can differ on the practice of tracking and still be good parents. I think being open, self-disclosing, and wanting a positive, trusting relationship with our kids is always the best starting point.
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