I wrote The Parent’s Launch Code to help parents who struggle to maintain a caring and positive connection with their young adults while letting them go. In fact, my definition of a successful launch is the attainment of self-sufficiency and responsible independence by the young adult while maintaining a caring bond with the parents.
Parents need to accept limitations, embrace beliefs, and employ practices to build the launch pad and attain liftoff. As parents of young adults, we have to accept the following:
- We cannot control our young adult son or daughter.
- We are not responsible for their behavior or decisions.
- We are not responsible for “fixing” them or ensuring they make decisions consistent with our vision of who they are or who they may become.
As parents of young adults, we can influence the trajectory of their lives as they move toward independence. Our influence is based upon common assumptions that we share with them. I have never met with parents and their kids together where either has objected to these assumptions. The buy-in helps to get both parties on the same page:
- We love our kids, and they love us, even if there is anger, frustration, and contention.
- We want them to move toward successful independence and self-sufficiency, and they also want that.
- Both parties desire that the process of letting go, leaving, and attaining independence will go smoothly.
With the acknowledgment of our limitations and the buy-in with our kids on the assumptions above, we are ready to employ or strengthen six practices that give us and our kids the best chance to get a launched young adult and one who continues to care and connect with their parents. The book details how we can adopt these practices and carry out the actions described under each. At the high level, the practices involve:
- Secure their existence by showing unconditional love that is not linked to performance or achievement. Our kids need to know we see them, they matter, and nothing can separate us from our love for them. The specific ways to show unconditional love in chapter one are on page 14. Take the quiz on page 16 to see how you are doing on this practice.
- Strengthen the relationship by moving closer, not with more control or direction but in support of their separate identity and independence. Specific techniques are described for building this support relationship, including one borrowed from my friend and mentor, Marshall Goldsmith. Feedforward is a term he has popularized in his work with business leaders. Learn more about how to do this on page 57.
- Solve or resolve old wounds, mistakes, losses, and guilt related to our parenting practices or an event such as divorce. Holding onto guilt keeps us negatively bound to our kids and leads to compromise in our actions when we need to be strong, say no, or set boundaries. Apology is the practice and antidote for guilt. It frees us from a past we cannot redo and invites the young adult to relinquish resentment.
- Solve or resolve anger, resentment, frustration, and disappointment through forgiveness. Forgiveness may need to follow apology because if we just apologize but don’t forgive ourselves, we will continue to compromise our actions as if we are still guilty. We may also need to forgive our kids, especially if they have acted out or, in other ways, disappointed us. Resentment toward them or ourselves is a poison that reduces our ability to love and let go. Forgiveness is the practice and the antidote for resentment.
- Stand our ground in love. Showing backbone requires us to bring forward our love for our kids and stand firm on our expectations and boundaries. If we cave in and enable our kids to avoid consequences, we are not preparing them for the real world. Being tough without love is not “tough love” and will backfire. In chapters five and six, you will learn how to approach your young adult with love and influence through seven strategies.
- Say goodbye is the final practice parents need to master. Parents today invest more in the success and happiness of their kids at all ages than did past pre-boomer generations. It’s a necessary but bittersweet time. Even if you are relieved, they are moving out because it means the family will never be the same again. As our adult kids finish any post-secondary education, start their careers, and find a mate for life, they leave us behind, and we must reinvent ourselves in ways other than parenting our kids. I like this quote by Elizabeth Lesser that I use to introduce chapter six: “Parenthood is a never-ending journey down a vast river of worry and love. You get in the boat with your kids and never get out. They get out, build their own boats, and grow into their destinies, but you stay in the original boat, always a parent forever caring.”
This book is not critical of parents; rather, it is uplifting and supportive of being the best parent you can be. My colleague, Josh Coleman, writes on the back cover – “With a blend of empathy and practicality, Launch Code is an indispensable companion for any parent seeking guidance and reassurance in supporting their adult children, offering a comforting hand through the ups and downs of this transformational journey.”
Until the end of January, The Parents Launch Code is available in digital form for $.99. Please consider buying a copy. You can obtain a Kindle on either a Mac or PC for free and download this book. Hurry, the digital version sale ends on January 31st.
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