What Exactly is a Successful Launch of a Young Adult?
My definition of a successful launch of a young adult is that the young adult has become self-sufficient and responsibly independent while retaining a caring bond with the parent. This last requirement is not necessarily widely held, but it speaks to the emotional separation and reconnection we all need to experience with our kids. My practice over the years has been replete with adults who continue to be angry and resentful toward parents or, in some cases, refuse to speak to parents. Under my definition, these adults have not successfully launched. They continue to harbor negative feelings that fuse them to the parents, whether they are in contact with them or not. We may move thousands of miles away from our parents, but we still carry them in our psyche, and the collateral damage of this to other relationships is often the focus of therapy. We may leave the family, but the family never leaves us. Incidentally, parents can be stuck and refuse to let go of their kids because of hurt, anger, resentment, and guilt and remain fused to their kids in their psych whether they see them or not. These parents often experience relationship problems because of harboring unresolved emotions toward their adult children.
What are the Characteristics of a Fully Launched Young Adult?
My definition of a fully launched young adult includes:
- Identity–a stable sense of self.
- Independence–financially, physically, and emotionally
- Intimacy–developing significant sustainable relationships outside of the family.
- A positive connection to the parent.
Healthfully launched and separated young adults demonstrate maturity in their relationships with their parents. They care about their parents and express concern and empathy. They are assertive without being defensive. They are open, trusting, and receptive to parental support. They acknowledge and are willing to apologize for their mistakes and forgive their parents. The specific attributes above are my contributions to describing a launched young adult. If the relationship between young adults and parents is estranged, it’s fair to assume that the transition or launch likely didn’t go well, and both parties will suffer. It’s important to understand that there may be circumstances where reconciliation or the retention of an amiable relationship between parents and adult children may not be possible. Such circumstances may include an abusive parent or a young adult who may be angry and threatening to the parents. In such cases, both parties suffer since this is not the natural or healthy way to launch.
Living Outside the Home is Not the Litmus Test for a Successful Launch
A young adult does not need to leave the parent’s home to be fully launched. There is a trend in the U.S. toward multigenerational households. According to PEW research, 64 million households in the United States are multigenerational. The trend occurs for various reasons, including economics, but does not necessarily signal young adults in these homes aren’t self-sufficient. Suppose a young adult lives in an amicable relationship with parents, maybe even grandparents, works and is a contributing family member, sharing costs and home maintenance tasks. In this case, I’d be hard-pressed to label them stuck on the launchpad. In India, 65% of young adults live with one or both parents, and 25% of married couples live in multigenerational homes. In a recent podcast, I discuss launching young adults at home. My host in this podcast from India said – “if a young adult-18-29- is not living at home, this is a source of concern in their society.”
Whose Responsibility is the Launch?
On one recent podcast, I was asked, “Whose responsibility is it to launch – the young adult or the parent?” The answer is both. The young adult’s capacity to establish healthy emotional separation from parents, whether living with parents or not, is directly related to the parents’ launch practices, thus the basis of my book. However, the young adult is ultimately responsible for meeting the above-mentioned criteria. The parents can hurt or help the young adults in their efforts to leave the nest. Since my book is for and about parents of young adults, the focus is on the parent’s role.
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