“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
-Maya Angelou
Do our kids, no matter their age, feel loved? I tell the story of a counseling session my colleague, Dianne Dovenberg, conducted at Wilder Child Guidance Clinic years ago. A father was meeting with his teenage son, unhappy about being there by court order because of the son’s delinquent behavior and drug abuse. At one point, the son looked up and asked, “Dad, would you cry if I died?” The father’s angry countenance softened, and he leaned forward and said, “There are not enough buckets in the world to hold the tears I would cry if I lost you.”
That message spoke to the heart of this teen, not just his mind.
The Most Important Launch Code Practice
The first and most important practice in The Parent’s Launch Code is to communicate and demonstrate unconditional love. This is a “no matter what” type of love. By the way, as I suspect you agree, this is true no matter what the age. It doesn’t depend upon our kids avoiding irresponsible behavior or achieving certain ends. It’s about loving our kids for their being—who they are as a son or daughter—not for what they do or do not do. When I interview parents in my counseling and ask if they believe their young adult knows that they love them unconditionally in spite of their actions, the answer on a scale of 5= Strongly Agree to 1= Strongly Disagree is invariably. But let’s think about this for a minute and take a deeper dive into the assumptions we make as parents that might lead our kids to agree with our rating. A parent has to ask, “What is the basis for this rating?”
- Does it assume we have both verbally communicated this type of love and demonstrated it in action?
- Does it assume that actions that were contrary to this message in the past don’t matter or that the child has forgotten them? I’ve proposed that parents are the guiltiest segment of our society, and that an apology is the antidote to this.
- Does it assume that the absence of verbal or physical abuse proves this love?
- Does it assume not only that the young adult knows they are loved but also that they “feel” they are loved?
- Does it assume that the common refrain of “I did my best” is enough to convince the young adult that they are loved unconditionally?
- Does it assume that being a good provider is evidence to the young adult that they are loved unconditionally?
My Story
My father grew up on a farm, and I am sure he never heard the words “I love you” from his father, and maybe not from his mother either, although moms are more likely to express this. I think my father, of the silent generation, believed that being a good provider, faithful to my mom, never drinking or smoking, and not chasing other women was enough to prove he loved me. But I was a bit of a challenge to him as an undiagnosed ADHD kid and sensed his disapproval.
On one occasion, my dad told me that I was golfing the ball when I was batting in little league baseball games. I argued that I wasn’t. He then took a picture of me golfing the ball to prove that he was right. He never worked with me to hold the bat differently, pitched to me so I could practice swinging differently, encouraged me to hold my back shoulder up more in my swing, etc. He proved he was right, but at what cost—proving me wrong and causing a certain level of resentment. This was an old-school way of thinking: the parent needed to be right, and apologizing was a sign of weakness or reduced credibility. Do we try to win the argument and prove our kids wrong at the expense of the relationship? If this happens, it can raise questions about how much a father or mother values us versus how much they value being right or having the right answer. What I wanted most from my Dad was for him to put his arms around me and tell me how much he loved me. Kids today are no different.
Parents, we can do better at leaving no doubt in our kids’ minds and hearts about how much we love them. The point is simple: love them in a way they can feel. A love for which we would give our lives. Do our kids know this? Do they believe there are not enough buckets to hold the tears we should cry if they died?
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