Every Parent Should Apologize to Their Adult Children

I’d argue that unless we have no regrets about raising our kids, we could have done better; we aren’t being truthful with ourselves. Maybe some of you have been told by your adult kids that you were a perfect parent. If so, send them to me since I have not met a perfect parent, and maybe I can learn from these kids how parents can be perfect. Most of us can identify ways we could have done better. As parents, we may be the guiltiest segment of our society. Dr. David Schram surveyed 400 empty-nesters and found that only 3% believed they were excellent parents.

Take the Apology Quiz

Before we discuss the relevance of parental apology, please take the following quiz. Below are the first two questions. Click on the link below to finish the survey and then return.

1. I have no regrets about my parenting.
2. I know I said or made mistakes in my parenting.

Finish the Quiz

Why Apologize to Our Kids?

• First, an apology is a gift we give ourselves. Apology is the antidote to guilt. When we have done something we believe was wrong or made a mistake, we can apologize to let go of the guilt we may be experiencing. But it also is something that we can re-gift to our kids, enabling them to let go of resentment they may feel toward us. Although this is not a given, without an apology, they are less likely to let go of resentment. 
• Second, it can validate the young adult’s experience even in cases where we don’t wholly agree with the infraction memory. You might ask, “What if I don’t remember it or don’t believe it is true? Why apologize? Unless it is fabricated, which can happen but is rare, there is likely some truth to the accusation, so why not say, “I don’t remember this, but I am sorry.”
• Third, we are teachers as parents and likely encouraged our kids to apologize to their siblings for some actions when they were young. Should we not practice what we preach and apologize as adults?
• Finally, it takes some vulnerability on the part of a parent to apologize to a kid, no matter what age, but it opens up an intimate channel of connection with our kids. Brene Brown says vulnerability is the language of intimacy. It’s a way to get closer to our kids by showing our failings and mistakes, which they already know.

What Holds Us Back From Apologizing to Our Kids?

Here are some causes of resistance.

• First, some think apologizing erodes our credibility with our kids. Quite the contrary is true. They discover that we are not omniscient or perfect at a young age, so we aren’t telling them anything new.
• Second, some parents may feel that apologizing may come off as admitting we were “bad” parents. There are no bad parents, just lousy parenting, and by admitting mistakes, we confirm that we are not perfect. Some resistance may occur because we believe that if we admit mistakes, our young adults may use this against us or to excuse their behavior. “Because you got divorced, I have not been able to move forward toward independence.” Yes, this is a possibility, but explaining how one feels about a parent’s actions is not an excuse for the young adult’s behavior.

Is there a Right Way to Apologize?

This is an important question. Our society affords lots of opportunities to hear famous people, especially politicians, proclaim that they are sorry but use various qualifiers to say they don’t mean it essentially. Such false apologies as:

• “I really didn’t mean to hurt you.”
• “I’m sorry you feel the way you do.”
• “I’m sorry, it was an accident.”  

Any apology followed by a “but” or a “however'” is phony; we must avoid these. Suppose we feel another party has wronged us. In that case, it may be hard to apologize without the “but” or “however,” but the net result will be that the apology won’t land correctly and will most likely lead to further resentment or attack. We don’t have to say, “It was all my fault,” when the incident involved both parties misfiring, but we can and should take responsibility for our part, hard as this may be, not to point out the other’s failure.

When to Apologize?

The short answer is – anytime we have failed to be the person we want to be or made a mistake. There isn’t an optimal time for parents to apologize, but don’t wait until the opportunity doesn’t exist anymore. There is a trend for young adults to cut off their contact with parents, sometimes indefinitely. Recent research indicates that 6% of young adults have no contact with their mothers, and 26% of young adults have no contact with their fathers. An apology can head this off. “I had a mother who grew up with an angry, abusive, alcoholic father who, on his deathbed, apologized for his behavior and asked for forgiveness,” one of my clients stated. Most of us don’t have this type of history to address, but why wait to apologize when this gift we give ourselves and our kids can heal the guilt we harbor and the resentment our kids hold against us? If not now, when?

For further information on the importance of apologizing in parenting see:

• How to Apologize to Your Young Adult the Right Way
• Why Apologize to Your Young Adult if it Didn’t Happen or you Don’t Remember it
• The Parent’s Launch Code: Loving and Letting Go of Our Young Adults