One day in October 2006, I was reading the paper about a horrific school shooting of Amish children at Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania, by an angry, revengeful father; the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I read the name of one of the Amish children – Anna Stoltzfus. This is the name of my youngest child. This could have been my Anna. My ancestry is Amish. No, I don’t still drive a buggy and avoid “the English.” I wondered how such a horrific act could occur against innocent children of a religious tradition that abhors violence. What it highlighted for me as I read this story and other similar stories of mass shootings is how poisonous resentment is and how it eats away at one’s soul and psyche, often culminating in violence. Forgiveness is the antidote to resentment, and like an apology, it is a gift we can give to ourselves and our kids.
Opportunities for Parents to Forgive
At least three individuals need forgiveness – us, our kids, and sometimes a third party. Parents often feel they did something wrong, especially if the teen or young adult becomes difficult or fails to move toward adulthood. In such instances, if guilt exists or the young adult complains and resents the parent’s actions, an apology is in order. However, to fully let go of the guilt, we need to forgive ourselves and recognize that we have made mistakes and could have done better. If we don’t apologize, make amends, if warranted, and forgive ourselves, we continue to be defined by and victims of our past. It becomes hard to have healthy, positive relationships with our kids and others if we don’t have a healthy, positive relationship with ourselves.
The second individual parents need to forgive is the teen or young adult. I have seen parents devastated by the actions of their teen or young adult. Today, one in four young adults cut off their relationship with their parents. Apparently, in the case of Luigi Mangione, he went off the grid for several months before he committed an alleged act of revengeful murder toward the CEO of United Health Group. During this time of isolation, he had no pushback or challenge to his thoughts of revenge or desire to take the life of this CEO. If are cut off from our community of friends and family who care for and about us, we lose an essential reality check and source of support. Isolation creates the potential for unmediated thinking and behavior that can go to very dark places. As the saying goes, “Our minds are dangerous neighborhoods; one should never go there alone.”
Many young adults show up in therapists’ offices, where they blame their unhappiness or lack of success on their parents. Sometimes, a therapist may invite parents to join a session with their adult child. It often becomes an opportunity to attack and indict the parent for past failures. It’s fair to say that part of growing up and letting go from the young adult’s standpoint is to stop thinking of themselves as victims and forgive their parents. However, parents shouldn’t wait for this to happen. As described in a previous blog, it may require the parent to take the first action to apologize to the young adult. Other parents have faced situations in which the young adult has acted out in inappropriate ways – abusive words or actions, stealing from parents, lying, illegal behavior, drug or alcohol abuse. I had a mother in my office sobbing as she wondered what had happened to her bright and loving son. This young man was facing arrest warrants from three counties, was involved in using and dealing drugs, and was recalcitrant to any expectations or rules the parents established. This parent needed to forgive this son, but at the same time, not allow him to live at home while he violated the rules against drugs in the house. Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing behavior or not holding a young person accountable. The parents needed to forgive to soften their hearts and be able to let go in love.
The final person may be the hardest to forgive, and that is someone, a family member, or an outside party who abused your child when they were young. This may be an ex-spouse, a relative, a stranger, a friend, or the clergy. Although I can appreciate how hard it is to forgive someone who has abused your child, holding onto resentment has no impact on the abuse or abuser. We continue to be victims of the past if we hold onto resentment toward another. Sometimes, consciously or unconsciously, people think that by holding onto anger and resentment, they are getting back at the abuser. This is like holding onto a hot coal and preparing to throw it at this person. We are the only ones hurt by this. Legal remedies may be necessary; having no contact with the abuser and letting go through forgiveness allows us, as parents, to let go.
Letting Go of Resentment and Embracing Forgiveness
Both apology and forgiveness have the potential to foster reconciliation and repair in relationships. Most parents of young children will admonish a child who has offended another child, such as hitting the child or taking away a toy, to apologize. But I don’t see many young parents encouraging the wronged child to forgive the offending child. As parents, we are responsible for teaching, modeling, and fostering these two essential actions in our kids. In my life, I try not to harbor resentment against others since I know how damaging this is. My practice, since I like to write, is to take a sheet of paper and write out how the other person has offended me, express some empathy toward them to understand that we all fail and make mistakes at times, and then finish forgiving them. Since this is an action to benefit me, I don’t send this to the person. I run it through the shredder, and as I do, I imagine letting go of the negative thoughts and emotions associated with the other’s actions. It’s a great way to purge resentment. Try it the next time someone offends you. Being honest about our past actions and failures should allow us to be empathetic and forgiving.
Forgiveness and apology remain the healing practices that parents can use to connect or reconnect with adult children and are gifts to both the giver and the receiver. Forgiveness is the antidote to resentment. Learn more about the right way to communicate forgiveness in my recently published book and in this tip sheet.
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