With the recent advent of Father’s Day, I started to reflect on how well I raised my kids to be kind, self-sufficient, and independent young adults. I loved my father (he was a good provider and modeled integrity), but he was part of the silent generation. He learned little from his father about showing affection, or even about spending time with kids. So, there are some things I think I did and continue to do right, as well as some things I could have done better. My guess is that most of us fathers can look back with the same view of our actions. I write this to offer some thoughts about how we can do better as imperfect fathers.
What I Did Well
A few actions come to mind when I reflect on what I have done well:
- First, I have demonstrated through words and actions that my kids are loved unconditionally.
- Second, I have shown an unwavering commitment to my marriage, even when it has been clear to the kids that my wife comes first.
- Third, I believe I practiced and modeled the value of honesty, which breeds trust and requires that of my kids. Were they always honest with me and my wife? Well, no, but neither was I completely honest with my parents. However, they got the message of how important integrity built on honesty is in relationships and life.
- Fourth, I think I balanced the soft side of nurturance with the firmness and backbone my kids needed to be able to launch effectively. I hated it when my parents had a rule, and when I asked why I had to follow it, I was told, “Because I said so.” I tried never to use those words. Instead, I often said, “We’ll see,” to which my son typically replied – “that just means no.” He was probably right in my effort to dodge the “because I said so” response.
- Fifth, I think I was vulnerable with my kids and willing to say I was sorry for mistakes or actions that were harmful or otherwise not consistent with my values. Past generations seemed to believe that the parent always needed to be right and in control, and to apologize was a sign of weakness. I think we boomers and subsequent generations have come to realize that our parents were never right all the time, and as we entered our teens and young adulthood, they weren’t in control either.
- Finally, I think I was a good provider like my father, creating a sense of security and stability in my kids’ lives.
What I Could Have Done Better
Now for my regrets and ways I could have done better. I share this so some of you fathers can make adjustments or improvements.
- The first shortcoming was that of not being available to my kids. I was busy working full-time and part-time private practice on Saturday mornings. That said, I tried to make it to all of the sporting events and performances (music or plays) that my children had. Although showing up is something my kids valued and many of us fathers have done, it was not giving them special attention. As they grew older, I took each one on road trips to other towns or visiting colleges, which gave me one-on-one time. I did have a ritual of periodically taking the kids to breakfast while in school, which sent a message that I wanted to spend time with them.
- A second area where I could have done better is introducing more rituals into our family life. When our kids asked when we celebrate Kids Day, since we celebrated Father and Mother’s Day, we tried to add a Kids Day in August. We made a few trips to the amusement park but didn’t keep up this tradition. We spent eleven summers going to a cabin in northern Wisconsin for vacation, which created many good memories for our kids and allowed me to fish with one or more of the kids. I think dads or men are more inclined to connect while doing things with sons and daughters as opposed to “doing lunch.” So, I could have developed more unique experiences with each child, enabling me to connect to them intimately and create a special memory.
- A third area should come naturally as a psychologist and that is the practice of listening. I have taught three different training programs for parents emphasizing listening skills, so I consider myself a black belt in listening. As a father, however, I think I was too quick to respond as the expert or authority figure and could have done better at really trying to listen and understand them.
Grade Yourself
Below is a short list of opportunities to be a better father. Go through the list and grade yourself from 1-10. We can always do better. After completing this, identify an area or two you would like to improve and commit to doing so.
1 (Not Doing Well) – 10 (Doing Very Well)
- ____Listening and trying to understand my son or daughter without judgment.
- ____Spending special one-on-one time with each child to create unique memories.
- ____Showing and modeling love and commitment to my spouse.
- ____Practicing honesty and requiring this of the kids.
- ____Being open, transparent, and vulnerable. Being willing to admit mistakes and apologize.
- ____Building family rituals or traditions that kids remember.
- ____Demonstrating and communicating unconditional love.
- ____Balancing soft and supportive actions with firm adherence to key values.
- ____Showing respect for differences with my kids and being open to their vision of the future
- ____Recognizing and celebrating their achievements and positive actions while being less critical.
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