“If you kick me out, I will never speak to you again.”
This was the response of a 29-year-old at home in a contentious relationship with his parents. Two and a half years later, he is living on his own, has graduated from a two-year IT certification course, and was asked to speak at the graduation, where he thanked his parents for always being there for him. What happened? This is the parents’ story.
Our oldest adult son, 29 at the time (2022), was living with us. But our relationship was contentious. Living with our adult son felt like a constant struggle every day.
- He chose not to pursue multiple employment opportunities (train conductor, auto adjuster) even though they were very difficult to obtain. He would always fabricate valid reasons that the jobs were not for him. Unable to hold some jobs, due to his temper or inability to respect management hierarchy, and the like. Often found issues with working with or for women. Would call out too often, etc.
- On and off meds without consulting the physician when going off his meds.
- Refusing to take part in the daily goings on to keep the house up. Would suggest: why bother cleaning if it is never good enough for his dad and me? Left dirty dishes in his room for weeks at a time; would not clean his personal space ever. Any action we suggest or would request would prompt aggression on his part.
- Being up all hours with the TV on (his dad and I both work early am), with our pets moving about and then waking us up.
- Would cook at all hours, making noise or odor (good usually) but would wake us up, and make a huge mess, and then leave it for days or not clean all of it up, and then cause tension because we ask him to clean up
- Constantly making random excuses, blaming something on us for why he could not do what we asked
- He ordered food all the time, but also ate the leftovers prepped for us for the week to minimize how much I had to cook.
- Would argue or take his time when we would get snowstorms and needed to go out to shovel (his dad was working), in order for his dad not have to shovel when he got home from working all day and be able to pull into the driveway.
Out of sheer desperation, I googled, “how to help your adult child move out of your home”. Dr. Stoltzfus’ website and books came up. I started reading testimonies, and they all rang very similar to our situation in many ways. This was going to be our saving grace! I emailed Dr. Stoltzfus, and he agreed to have a call with my husband and me.
Understanding Eric’s five-year plan and his hurt and anger toward Randy and me.
Aaron was carrying a lot of his past pain from his school years with him, which was a lot of why he was so angry all the time. Aaron discussed his five-year plan and shared with Dr. Stoltzfus that he was bullied during his school years and that we did not acknowledge or support him during this time.
Our Apology and Response
My husband and I were completely on board with acknowledging Aaron’s feelings, validating that the events he spoke about happened the way he remembered, and taking responsibility by apologizing sincerely to our son for our part and for how it affected his school years and the years that followed with my parents. It was like a huge weight was lifted off all of us. That is not to say things were just smooth sailing following this day, but it was just the beginning of a long rollercoaster of events that led to the best relationship with our son we have had in many years.
We had several meetings in our living room with him and once or twice in a restaurant (we did this deliberately to avoid a shouting match). Once we began, it seemed to flow ok, but always difficult to say and to hear. At this time, we decided to listen more and talk less. He just needed to be heard, without interruption from our defense or excuses. Once we listened, my husband and I did a lot of soul-searching when we were alone. It was difficult for my husband to hear how Aaron felt we failed him in some ways. Once we stopped defending ourselves, we were able to really understand Aaron’s side of why our approach wasn’t working.
It was a long process for many months, but we were committed to repairing our relationship with our son using Dr. Stoltzfus’ methods.
We tried to initiate actions to help him move out:
- Communicating with realtors in our area to match with someone to assist in finding a living situation for Aaron (without Aaron’s input at the outset).
- Communicating with people to see if anyone knew of a studio/1 bedroom apartment within what we believed Aaron could afford
- Communicating with Aaron about what we were able to find for him and introducing him to the realtor and visiting sites of interest – He did cooperate (which showed us he was not opposed), but was very cautious and hesitant
The Opportunity to Move Out
During our time with Dr. Stoltzfus, a neighbor of ours whose son went to school with Aaron and was Aaron’s age, was looking to move out of his mom’s home. His mom mentioned to me what was going on. I shared this with Aaron, and he said Jake had already reached out to him. Jake had 2 other friends looking to move in together and were looking for a 4th Aaron seemed to grab this opportunity and moved out on his own. It was only about 10 minutes away. This seemed like the ideal situation.
Things took a downward turn for Aaron. He started acting out towards us again, going back to the past and all the wrongs we did. He was in a very dark place, as it turned out, and he was not taking prescribed meds, which inadvertently caused a spiral of mental health issues. Aaron was admitted to the hospital for about a week. We are not really sure what happened in that place, but our son came out of the hospital a different person. He realized how bad things were through the eyes of other inpatients, their experiences, and their life stories. Aaron took responsibility for his situation and his behavior. He sought out the help he needed with Drs and medication.
Today
A lot has happened since the hospital. We are delighted to say things have been incredible with our relationship with our son. He learned to participate in our family and reunite with a grandparent he had not spoken to for many years & reconnected with a longtime friend he had been estranged from. He earned an IT school certification and has been working full-time for a company with a great salary, which pays his bills and allows him to live his life doing what he loves. He walked me down the aisle at his sister’s wedding when I asked him if he would do me the honor. He is engaged and has been very excited about planning his wedding. I will say, it is not ALL wonderful. We have intermittent times of things that happen that he needs help with, but the fact that he continues to include us in his life and asks us for guidance is remarkable.
The Big Takeaway
Listen, acknowledge, apologize, plan, assist in taking action, and always be sincere. Be grateful! We are!
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