This is a reprint of a blog I posted in December 2018, but it’s even more relevant today. There has been an increase in estrangement between adult children and their parents. Harpers reported that 1 in 5 adult children are estranged from a family member. Other research shows that 1 in 4 adult children cut off communication with parents. The excellent news is that this is, on average, four months, but some are permanently estranged. Such a tragedy is heartbreaking and something that shouldn’t happen. As this blog is for parents, if you face this situation and in any way are part of the problem by rejecting your young adult or not apologizing for some past offense as a way to heal the breach in the relationship, please use the Holidays to rectify this. I know it takes two to reconcile, but we need to do our part by inviting our adult child to dinner and not bringing up painful memories or controversial opinions. Call a truce and enjoy dinner together during our country’s polarized time. It could be a start to mending some broken hearts- yours and theirs.
Too often one or more members of an extended family are missing from holiday celebrations. Sometimes even when family members are close and want to get together plans can fall apart. With three married young adult children and eight ten grandchildren, we have struggled to try to get all three families together. Last year we were able to negotiate a time to have all of our kids and grandchildren come to our house two days before Christmas. Unfortunately, my youngest daughter’s kids came down with what she said was the “stomach flu,” and my older daughter bailed out so her kids would not catch it.
Respecting the Young Adult Couple
Reasons such as illness, travel, work, financial limitations, and health concerns are understandable. There are also natural complications with in-laws. Parents of married or partnered young adults often find that they can no longer preserve a family tradition, such as we always spend Christmas eve together, because another family is vying for the same time.
My best advice, which I share in my new book The Parent’s Launch Code, is that you need to respect the young adult couple and their desires and preferences. They deserve a chance to begin their own traditions while finding time on their calendars to connect with you. My children have decided that they wanted to start a Christmas tradition of being at home with just their children on Christmas morning. I blame Santa for our exclusion. For the first time in our married life, we are celebrating Christmas morning minus kids and grandkids. Unfortunately, not all of the challenges we face at the holidays are normal or understandable.
Fostering Reconciliation During the Holidays
Too many families gather during the holidays with one or more empty chairs because invitations were not made or accepted. Alienation-family members are not speaking or visiting each other- is most apparent at holiday times. For parents of the young adult or young adult couple who do not wish to attend holiday events because of unresolved offenses or on-going antagonisms, the absence can be heart-rending. I feel tremendous sadness for families whose members have discontinued contact. These members share the same DNA, common memories good and bad, and are hardwired from birth to care about each other. Although there are no easy answers, particularly with some of these situations that have gone on for years, here are some suggestions to foster reconciliation if you are facing an empty chair on this holiday season:
- Be the bigger person and reach out to your son or daughter. If you want to change the relationship, BEGIN THE CHANGE.
- If you are angry at them and have fostered this standoff, forgive them for their offense. It is the only ANTIDOTE TO RESENTMENT AND ALIENATION.
- APOLOGIZE for any part you may have had in the relationship. If you don’t know the basis of the cutoff, ask them why, what you have done to contribute to this, and what you could do to mend the relationship. Be sure to ask in the spirit of understanding and not to explain or defend your actions.
- Ask them to CONSIDER FORGIVING you now or at a later point.
- TELL YOUR YOUNG ADULT THAT YOU LOVE THEM and always will and that you want a relationship with them again.
In World War I, Christmas of 1914, French, British and German forces crossed trenches to exchange greetings, talk, share food and sing Christmas carols. This has become known as the Christmas truce. If bitter enemies with no familial ties can cross the divide of war to celebrate the Christmas Holiday, what excuse do we have for not doing the same with our family members? If the above guidance is too difficult, perhaps you can start the process with an invitation to exchange greetings, talk and eat dinner together. Christmas carols are optional.
Life is too short and family relationships matter too much. If not initiating change now, then when?
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