My Unique Approach to the Stuck Parent and the Stalled Young Adult

Many of these parents wanted a judge, not a therapist. It was a losing proposition. Now, when I talk with parents and their young adult children, I find a couple of commonalities that help shift the relationship from contention to cooperation:

1. First, both parties (parents and young adults) feel stuck. Neither seems to know how to take an action that would lead to a launch without risking estrangement.
2. Second, both parties are typically anxious, and this phenomenon is contagious. When a mother of a neurodivergent young adult offered to let her son practice driving on his permit, her anxiety was culpable and her son felt it and declined the offer. At that point, the anxiety went down, but no progress took place.
3. Third, parents and, I should say, young adults, are often hung up on the belief that a launched young adult is out of the home, and the adult child may feel rejected or abandoned and resist a perceived push to be sent out the door.

A New Approach

I have found that engaging both parties around common assumptions is very satisfying and typically reduces conflict and tension. Parents need to accept that they can’t control their young adult and must take a different approach using relational and influence skills. Parents also need to let go of the responsibility for their young adult and the explicit or implicit efforts to control or “fix’ their kids. Finally, parents need to focus on developing skills for adulthood, whether the child is at home or not. Leaving home is not the litmus test for a successful launch. If the child is at home, the relationship is amiable and collaborative, and they work, pay rent, help with chores, cook meals, etc., who’s to say they haven’t launched? It reflects a cultural bias in this country that requires the young adult to live outside the home.

There is a growing trend in multigenerational homes in the United States. In a recent podcast with an Indian podcaster, we discussed how a 25-year-old living at home in the United States is seen as a sign of failure by both the parents and the young adult. He said that in India, if a 25-year-old lives outside the home, it is seen as a sign of failure or concern. By the way, studies show that over sixty percent of parents enjoy having their young adult at home. So, parents, don’t get hung up on getting your kid out of the house, no matter what your extended family and friends might say. Focus on helping your adult children step up as contributing members of your family. By the way, when I asked young adults where they want to live in five years, not one of them said “with mom and dad.” They want to be on their own, but your home can be a training ground to help them prepare to move out.

Common Assumptions

For both parents and young adults, I start with the following assumptions:

• Parents love their kids, and kids love their parents.
• Parents and young adults want the young adult to be happy and successful.
• Parents and young adults want the transition into adulthood to go smoothly.

I don’t get any pushback on these assumptions, and they form the basis for a collaborative approach. A second orientation that is critical is to shift the time frame from now and day-to-day challenges – playing video games into the night, not returning dishes to the kitchen from their bedroom, etc. to where each party wants to be five years from now. Every young adult wants to be more independent and self-sufficient, even in the face of significant physical, social, or mental disabilities. By working with the young adult, I help them set goals, develop a five-year plan, and chart a path to achieve them. Then the parents are asked what they will and won’t do to support these goals and plans, and what expectations they have about living at home. We then bring the parties together and partner to support the young adult’s plan. This involves an initial session to clarify what each will do, followed by establishing a check-in process to stay on track. Asking the young adult about his five-year plan and the support he wanted from his parents was intended to help the parents understand how they could help him. What I didn’t realize was an unintended positive consequence of helping the young adult think through their future and how they would attain it. If the young adult is in counseling, I suggest they take their plan to their therapist and ask for help with it. At the end of the day, both parties have a way to get unstuck and move forward.

Help if You Are Stuck

I talk about this approach in chapter six of The Parent’s Launch Code, but I recognize it can be hard to implement on your own. Some parents have told me that, when I proposed obtaining their child’s input on their future plans, they have tried it and got nothing. Sometimes asking about their future plans is a disguised way of asking, “When are you moving out?” This is where I can help, and the colleagues I will be training this summer to use this approach can help as well. An outside party or coach can often elicit greater engagement and cooperation from a young adult than parents, especially if the relationship is contentious. My availability depends on where you live. If you live in Minnesota, at least for the near future, you could see me as a psychologist and have your health insurance cover the costs.  If you live outside Minnesota, where my license does not apply, you can see me as a parent coach, not a therapist, for $200 per session or $750 for five sessions. My average number of sessions is five to six, but when the parties are really stuck, it may take longer. If you would like help with the process and can’t implement by following my book, or because you are facing resistance from your young adult, please contact me at drjackstoltzfus@yahoo.com.