Parental Backbone: Saying “No” in Love?

We are responsible for communicating and modeling the behavior we expect of our kids that will serve them well in the outside, conditional world. Love and backbone aren’t opposites. Showing backbone and saying “no” may be the most loving actions we can take as parents. Our anticipation of our kids’ unhappiness with our actions should not lead to compromising our principles. That said, we need to be clear with our kids about our expectations of their behavior.

Three Buckets of Behaviors

When I meet with parents of late teens or young adults living at home, I indicate that the parents should describe their expectations within three buckets:

1. Discretionary
2. Negotiable
3. Non-negotiable

Discretionary has to do with decisions and behavior they can choose – clothes they wear, how they spend the money they earn, friends they have, etc. Negotiable has to do with contributing to family life by keeping one’s room somewhat clean and organized, doing one’s laundry, helping with dishes or cooking, using the car, etc. Non-negotiables have to do with actions that are not acceptable in society and should not be accepted at home – stealing, lying, cheating, threatening, property damage, use of illicit drugs, underage drinking, etc. Looking the other way or otherwise condoning these non-negotiables will not serve the teen or young adult well when facing the harsh consequences of society.

Creating an Entitlement Mindset

As parents, we must do what’s right even when our kids may be unhappy. Over the years, starting with my generation of boomers, we have become more invested in the happiness and success of our kids. As such, we have sometimes said yes to our kids’ requests, even though it may be against our better judgment. As such, our kids have often developed an entitlement mindset. A belief that they deserve something they have not earned despite irresponsible behavior. But the question for us as parents is – if they are entitled, who is entitled to them? So, how are we showing love with backbone?

Take the Quiz:

To what extent do you exhibit these behaviors? Use the following scale and write your number in front of each statement.

• 0 – Not at All
• 10 – True

____ Avoid bringing up an issue or concern because you fear your young adult’s reaction.

____ Do things for your young adult that they could do for themselves.

____ Support, excuse (they are stressed, depressed, forgot), or allow irresponsible behavior.

____ Give in on a request you know is wrong according to your values.

____ Intervene with people and institutions (school, work, doctor) on behalf of your young adult.

____ Do things for your young adult to make you feel better or less guilty.

____ Tolerate verbal or physically abusive behavior.

____ Blame others for the failures of the young adult and promote a victim mindset.

____ Excuse behavior due to a condition or disability that does not prevent the young adult from performing the task.

____ Ignore your needs and self-care and overextend yourself for your young adult.

How did you score? Take note that, like golf, a lower score is better. Can you identify some actions that you need to change? Which two of your actions scored the highest?

The Right Balance of Love and Backbone?

There are three questions we need to ask ourselves to ensure that we are hitting the right balance of love and backbone:

1. Am I acting in love and not out of fear, guilt, anger, frustration, resentment, or concern that my young adult will be unhappy?
2. Am I acting in line with my values and principles, such as honesty, dependability, trustworthiness, keeping promises, etc.?
3. Am I acting in a way that will increase my young adult’s independence rather than dependence?

In my book, The Parent’s Launch Code, I devote two chapters to this practice because it is the most difficult to achieve. I also discuss “tough love,” personal qualities essential to show and strengthen backbone.