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Parents Letting Go - Dr. Jack Stoltzfus

Parental Coaching & Resources in Minnesota

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“If you kick me out, I will never speak to you again.”

These are the words of a twenty-eight-year-old living at home, working full time but not contributing to family responsibilities or meeting the parents’ expectations. This noncompliance was creating a lot of conflict, and the parents proposed that their son find other housing. Unfortunately, some parents hold back on their expectations of adult children, whether they are living at home or away, for fear of such a cutoff.

What Is Estrangement & How Prevalent Is It?

This state of being cut off from parents is referred to as estrangement. It is the physical or emotional separation from parents by an adult child, stemming from unresolved differences and past issues within the family. The problem is more pronounced with fathers, where research has found that the rate of estrangement is 26%, compared to 6% with mothers. Young women have somewhat higher rates of estrangement from fathers than mothers, while the rates of estrangement from mothers are similar for male and female young adults. It’s not just a problem for young adults. I am alarmed by the number of clients I have seen who are not speaking to someone in their immediate or extended family. The figure for estrangement within families is 1 in 5. This represents over 60 million people.

What Are The Causes Of Estrangement?

There are many causes of estrangement between adult children and their parents. The divorce of biological parents is correlated with roughly seventy percent of estrangement, according to Dr. Josh Coleman, an expert in this field. Often, one or more children end up siding with one parent as the victim, and as a display of loyalty or expression of resentment toward the other parent, they disconnect and refuse contact. It’s not that divorce alone is the cause, but rather how parents communicate and relate to each other through and after the divorce, and how they characterize the other parent, that can lead to estrangement. But there are other factors. Harsh, judgmental, or continuous criticism can lead to a breakdown in the parent-child relationship. One forty-five-year-old son said the following about his father:

“I have tried to please him all my life, and he continues to find fault with me, so I have decided in order to avoid the pain and re-wounding of this treatment, I have ended the relationship.”

There is a tendency for adult children to blame their current unhappiness or lack of success on how their parents treated them, and therefore, they may distance themselves. Mental health problems and substance abuse can be contributors to estrangement when these occur with the parents, the young adult, or both. A clash of values may cause one or both generations to sever the relationship. These value differences may include differences in religion, politics, and attitudes towards LGBTQ+ individuals, and other factors.

What Can Parents Do?

What parents can’t do is strong-arm or force a relationship, take responsibility for the young adult’s behavior, or fix things on their own. We have to recognize that we are powerless to force our kids to be part of our lives. What parents can do is accept responsibility for past actions and decisions that were damaging to the young adult, regardless of intent. Don’t choose to be right over the relationship. Don’t just acknowledge, but apologize. I devote an entire chapter of my book, The Parents Launch Code, to the importance and practice of apologizing to our kids in the right way. We also need to forgive them for the cutoff, and if they seek to reconnect, do not take this as an opportunity to tell them how much they hurt you. Follow the example of the Prodigal Son, whose father embraced him after he cut off his father and squandered his inheritance. Never act in anger and refuse contact with your young adult; they and you still need this expression of love, even if it is not reciprocated. If they refuse to respond, speak to the love you have for them, regardless, and send cards on birthdays, holidays, and special occasions. Finally, consider seeking professional help or joining a support group with other parents who are experiencing estrangement.

Have Patience But Seek Reconciliation Or Resolution

The length of estrangement is a tale of both good and bad news. Although, on average, young adults are estranged from their parents for around five years, some only last a few months. Adult children typically reconcile with their parents over time, at rates of over 80% for mothers and over 60% for fathers. However, one in ten never reconciles, which is heartbreaking for parents and a significant loss for the young adult as well. We should never give up our efforts to reach out and express our regrets and love for our kids, even if they don’t respond. We are wired to love our kids as they are to love us, and the unnatural state of estrangement leads to the suffering of both parties.

Continuing to apologize, express love, and a desire for relationships may not lead to reconciliation. If reconciliation doesn’t occur, then a parent must “resolve” to let go of any anger, resentment, guilt, or frustration that may be part of their thoughts and emotions toward the young adult. The same message applies to the young adult. If they are unable to or unwilling to reconcile with their parents, then for the sake of their mental health, they need to let go of hurt, anger, and resentment, which keep them negatively fused to the parent inside, regardless of any contact. You can physically move away from the parents, but unless you address the anger or hurt you have, you will carry them inside of you, and others around you will suffer. Young adults need to forgive their parents, and parents need to forgive their kids and let go of past resentments to be healthier individuals. Father Richard Rohr says it well:

“Transform your anger (let go, apologize, forgive), or you will transmit it.”

AI is smarter than I, so I will let it offer suggestions for addressing estrangement gathered from various sources. Hopefully, this will give you a range of actions to pursue if you are facing estrangement.

Reflect on the Estrangement:

  • Self-awareness: Parents should examine their role in the estrangement, considering past actions, communication patterns, and potential triggers for the adult child.
  • Understand their perspective: Actively listen to the adult child’s feelings and concerns without defensiveness or judgment, using empathy and “I” statements to validate their experience.

Initiate Contact and Communication:

  • Respect boundaries: If the adult child has established a “no contact” boundary, respect their wishes and avoid pressuring them.
  • Reach out with care: When initiating contact, choose a method that feels appropriate for the situation and express a genuine desire to understand their perspective and rebuild the relationship.
  • Active listening: During conversations, practice active listening by paying attention, reflecting back what you hear, and asking clarifying questions without interrupting.

Focus on Self-Healing and Growth:

  • Personal healing: Engage in activities that promote emotional well-being, such as therapy, support groups, or journaling, to process grief and develop coping mechanisms.
  • Set healthy boundaries: Establish personal boundaries to protect your emotional well-being and avoid getting caught up in the cycle of negativity.
  • Focus on other relationships: Strengthen connections with supportive friends and family members to create a sense of belonging and reduce reliance on the estranged relationship.

Rebuild Trust and Connection:

  • Consistent effort: Show consistent effort in your communication and interactions with your adult child, demonstrating a genuine commitment to rebuilding the relationship.
  • Apologize sincerely: If you have caused harm, apologize sincerely and authentically, taking responsibility for your actions.
  • Be patient: Reconciliation takes time and effort, and there may be setbacks along the way. Be patient, persistent, and understanding.
  • Seek professional help: If needed, seek guidance from a therapist or estrangement coach who specializes in family relationships and reconciliation.

Avoid Common Pitfalls:

  • Don’t be defensive: Avoid getting defensive or justifying your actions when your adult child expresses their feelings.
  • Don’t try to force reconciliation: Respect their boundaries and avoid pressuring them into reconciliation.
  • Don’t criticize their partner: If their partner is a factor in the estrangement, avoid criticizing them, as it can create further distance.
  • Don’t focus solely on your feelings: Remember that your adult child is also likely hurting and may need space to heal.

Additional Resources:

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Dr. Jack Stoltzfus
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