Want to Relate Better to Your Young Adult? Listen With the Third Ear
What could I possibly mean by the “third ear?” The expression comes from Theodore Reik, a psychoanalyst and author of a book of that title. It refers to the ability to listen to a person’s underlying needs and emotions and not just words. Sometimes. We must pay attention when our young adults raise concerns or miss what they are trying to communicate. But listening is far from a passive behavior. It takes a desire to understand and attend to the speaker, being present, and being willing to check out what you heard to ensure understanding.
Several participants in my workshops for parents commented on how valuable the listening session was. It highlighted their shortcomings in listening and how to correct these and tune in to their kids. This section of the workshop was one of the most highly rated.
Some of you who have been through courses on listening at work or in other settings may think you can skip this book section. I would put myself in that category since I have taught listening skills to parents in three different parenting programs and consider myself a “black belt” in listening. Unfortunately, I don’t always practice what I preach, to which my wife and kids would attest. Effective listening requires intention, attention, time, desire, and skill to be an effective listener. In our hyperkinetic world, authentic listening is in short supply.
How well do you listen?
Listening Self-Assessment
- 0 – Not True at All
- 10 – Completely True
As their parent, I:
_____ 1. Don’t interrupt them when they are speaking.
_____ 2. Don’t think about what I will say next when listening to them.
Finish this self-assessment by clicking here.
How did you do? Make a note of your low scores and commit to doing better to be a better parent and maybe a spouse.
Parent’s Launch Code
In my book The Parent’s Launch Code: Loving and Letting Go of Our Young Adults, I describe how to improve our listening skills to build a stronger relationship with our teen or young adult. In chapter two of the book, I discuss how parents should continue to invest in the relationship with their young adult, not through directing and controlling, but through coaching and consulting. Furthermore, the focus needs to shift from our need to have the young adult meet the vision of what we want them to do and be to what they want their identity to be. Listening to and understanding their needs, wishes, and vision of the future is essential to sustaining our relationship with them in service of their journey to adulthood.
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