Causes of Estrangement
When estrangement happens between parents and young adults, both parties suffer no matter who initiates the cut-off. Several researchers, dating back to a study done in 2015 by Richard Conti, have documented estrangement (a cutoff with parents) by young adults for a period of time to be somewhere close to 1 in 4. Although some young adults cut off communication and contact with parents indefinitely, the good news is that many reconnect with parents eventually. Here are some of the factors that can contribute to estrangement:
- The presence of a contentious divorce in which a child aligns with one parent can often lead to estrangement from the other parent. Josh Coleman, who studies and writes about adult children’s estrangement, found that 75% experienced divorce. This tendency to choose sides is often reinforced in extended family relationships, representing a more significant loss of a vital supportive community.
- A toxic, controlling, critical, or abusive family environment can lead to a cutoff by the young adult. This environment may involve physical or verbal abuse or parents with serious mental illness or substance abuse.
- Either or both parents and young adults may cut off contact due to deep disagreements regarding religion, politics, gender, sexual preference, or other lifestyle differences. These will often emerge in the late adolescent years but become a more significant concern at the time of separation when it’s clear the parent will no longer be able to control or direct the young adult. Too many family holiday gatherings have an empty chair because of such differences.
- The young adult may cut off contact with parents due to their mental illness, substance abuse, or a belief that they want to make it on their own without any parental involvement.
- After the young adult marries, a cutoff or reduced contact with parents may occur when the spouse restricts contact with parents. A spouse, often the female, may feel threatened by the husband’s involvement with his parents and force him to make a choice—either me or your mom. In such situations, husbands will rightfully choose their spouses but should not have to face such an either-or dilemma.
Preventing Estrangement
In my definition of a healthy launch, parents and young adults stay connected through a caring bond while the young adult achieves self-sufficient autonomy. If I work with parents and young adult children and either party cuts off the relationship during this transition period, I consider that a failed launch. The groundwork for ensuring a smooth and amicable transition to adulthood occurs before the late teens and early years of adulthood. Demonstrating unconditional love and building a closer relationship with the young adult can protect the relationship when both parties need to reform their roles. Parents need to support the young adult in new ways that affirm their separate identity and need for autonomy. Young adults need to step up in a more adult way to take responsibility for their future while retaining a trusting and caring relationship with their parents. Here are some additional actions parents can take to ensure a smooth launch.
- First, parents need to reform their relationship with the young adult to support their identity formation and desire for independence. These are both natural inclinations and developmental tasks. This support means less control and direction and more coaching, consulting, and partnering with the teen or young adult on the decisions. It may be challenging if the teen or young adult becomes irresponsible or contentious. But getting into a power struggle will not be helpful and may reinforce a direction by your teen that you dislike. Such avoidance is not to say that you don’t establish clear expectations, rules, and boundaries in the home. The focus, however, needs to be on identifying and supporting natural and appropriate actions leading to separate identity and independence.
- An example may be helpful. Your sixteen-year-old daughter comes home with a tattoo or a piercing. You’re unhappy, but realize this is how she expresses her identity and maybe bonds with friends by doing this. Neither intention is bad – expressing oneself or getting closer to friends. A father or mother may say, I’m not fond of the tattoo, but I understand it is something you did to express yourself. A parent may ask, “What are two or three other ways you can express your unique identity?” Maybe the teen or young adult is invested in sports, music, or art that parents can support. So, shift to what you can support versus focusing on what you don’t like.
- Second, there are often unresolved issues of the past that we need to address so that adult children can leave without resentment or desire to distance themselves. As mentioned above, divorce is often a contributor to estrangement, and each parent needs to address the impact of this decision on the children. Suppose the child is pulled in to support one parent against the other. In that case, the teen or young adult needs to know they are free to make their own decisions regarding the other parent and to reestablish a relationship with the other parent without believing they are being disloyal. Both parents may need to apologize to the young adult for the divorce and its impact. I devote two chapters in my book The Launch Code, out later this summer, to apology and forgiveness. An apology is the antidote to guilt and can enable the parent to let go of some past actions and reduce the extent to which the young adult may retain a grudge. It is a gift we give to our adult children. Some parents with difficult teens and young adults may need to embrace the practice of forgiveness to let go of resentment. Forgiveness is the antidote to resentment. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.
- Finally, we have to acknowledge that we don’t have all the answers, or at least the magic ones, to ensure that the launch process goes smoothly and avoids a cutoff. We must acknowledge our powerlessness to control our adult children and prevent estrangement. If we can demonstrate unconditional love, support their identity and independence, and resolve old wounds that may require apology and forgiveness, we’ve built the platform for a positive launch and sustainable bond.
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