You may have seen the 2006 Matthew McConaughey movie, Failure to Launch, which reinforced a popular view of a young adult enjoying the benefits of living at home without responsibilities. A modern version of this would include Matthew’s character playing video games with friends late into the night and sleeping in until the afternoon. But what does it mean to say that a young person fails to launch? Before discussing the varieties of failure to launch, let me clarify my definition of a launched adult. This is an adult, typically between the ages of 18-32, who is self-sufficient, independent financially and emotionally, and has a caring bond with their parents.
Some therapists would not agree with my last criterion of maintaining a caring bond with parents. In a recent New York Times article entitled “Is Cutting Off Your Family Good Therapy,” social worker Patrick Teahan argues that such cutoffs can be deeply rewarding. Although there are situations such as abuse from parents where cutoffs may be necessary and self-protective, it isn’t the norm nor the way the transition into adulthood should go. He is clearly out of the mainstream of thinking by researchers and clinicians who are experts in family or child development. His view harkens back to old notions that it’s always the parent’s fault or, more likely, the mother’s fault if an adult is angry, hurt, or unhappy. Even if one has come from an abusive or neglectful family experience, growing up requires all of us to take responsibility for our decisions and actions. When things don’t go well, we don’t explain, excuse, or blame these on our parents.
Different Types of Failure to Launch
In my forthcoming book, due for release in September, I propose that there are four different types of FTLs, detailed below:
- Stalled. According to a Pew study in 2020 and the US Census Bureau’s latest census, around 50% of 18-29-year-olds still live with one or both parents. This person typically lives at home, plays video games, maybe takes some classes, or works part-time but otherwise does not contribute to the expenses or responsibilities of the household. This FTL type could also be a young adult living outside the home, but the parents fund or heavily subsidize this adult child’s housing, food, and other needs. This young adult may have a good relationship with the parents but has not stepped up to become self-sufficient and independent. Sometimes, these individuals may have some depression or anxiety, which can be a contributor to their FTL. These mental health challenges often abate when they get a job, attend school, or find a significant other.
- Disabled. A second variety of failure to launch young adults is what I label disabled. These young adults are typically dealing with some physical or learning disability, ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, and may also have accompanying mental health challenges. Like most young adults, they desire independence despite having certain limitations. Parents must work with various community resources and professionals to support the desire for autonomy while finding ways to accommodate their disability. For instance, I have worked with a young man with ADHD and Asperger’s who needed help obtaining his driver’s license. He worked with a local disability resource, Courage Center, to obtain exceptional help preparing for his driver’s test and passed on the first try.
- Derailed. A third variety of FTL is what I describe as the derailed failure to launch. These are individuals with serious mental health or substance abuse challenges and have veered off the path to self-sufficiency and independence. These FTL individuals must find a way to address these serious problems or they won’t be able to make any progress toward responsible autonomy. In the case of a drug-dependent young adult, they may need to go to treatment or a twelve-step type support program to attain sobriety. Until they do, they won’t be able to progress toward independence. One family I worked with had a twenty-four-year-old male who, when he was sober, was an extremely responsible and amiable person. However, he had a habit of obtaining a job, getting his first paycheck, buying a bottle, and going on a binge for days, inevitably losing his job. He had been through several treatments and had a desire to stop drinking but continued to relapse. These are very tough situations, but unless their mental health or substance abuse problem is addressed, they won’t successfully launch.
- Estranged. The last type of failure to launch is the estranged young adult. This is the person that I referenced at the beginning of this article who has cut off ties with their parents. Unfortunately, this has become more common, with recent research indicating that one in four young adults disconnect from their parents for some time. The good news is that, on average, these young adults eventually reconnect. However, some young adults who are not from abusive homes decide to end their relationship with their parents. This action causes suffering for the parents and the young adult. One mother contacted me after receiving a letter from her newly married daughter saying that she and her husband had decided to cut off all communication with family members so they could have a family life without the intrusion from either set of parents. The mother and daughter had been close, and no past trauma or abuse had been present or had been identified by this daughter. The mother has been heartbroken, and the inability of the mother to have any contact with the daughter is similar to, if not worse, than death. My colleague, Josh Coleman, specializes in helping parents and young adults who have become estranged. He works toward reconciliation, as is my intent when I work with estranged parents and young adults. We all desire a good relationship with our adult kids and parents, but sadly, reconciliation efforts sometimes fail.
You can read more about these failure-to-launch challenges in my forthcoming book, The Launch Code: Loving and Letting Go of Our Adult Children. Also, if you or a friend may be dealing with estrangement, I highly recommend Dr. Josh Coleman’s book Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.
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