The Best Graduation Gift to Give Your Young Adult

Something More Personal

I want to suggest something I described in the last chapter of my book that speaks to the need for parents to “let go” and learn to grow apart from children. Although the process of loving or holding a child and letting go begins when you bring the baby home from the hospital or the adoption agency, graduations represent a time when teens and young adults begin the process of physically moving out of the family. Dismemberment, a term that makes me cringe, is what happens in families when children physically move out. It’s, at best, a bittersweet time. By the way, I have made the case that moving out is not the litmus test for whether a young adult is fully launched. My criteria for a successfully launched young adult are whether they have become self-sufficient and responsibly independent while maintaining a caring bond with their parents. So how can we let go and ensure that the graduating young adult has the necessary blessing from the parents that can provide the vital launch pad for success?

Saying Goodbye in Writing

The blessing from the parent needs to include ways the parent shares the love for the young adult as well as the desire to let go. My subtitle of The Parenting Launch Code, which almost became my main title, is Loving and Letting Go of Our Adult Children. In this communication of love and letting go, I recommend putting this in writing. Anna Quindlen, author of Write for Your Life, says that writing to another person, our children, is an intimate experience. When your child pulls out the letter, years later, maybe even after you have passed, there will be a recognition that your hand wrote this. I did not follow my advice in my letters to my kids, but I wish I had after reading Quindlen’s book. They would recognize Dad’s poor effort at cursive. Don’t worry about getting it right. It can’t be wrong when it comes from your heart. Although the finished product needs to be the content and words you want to say, I have some suggested areas to address.

What to Say When You Say Goodbye

We all assume, or at least hope, that we will see our kids again even after they leave the nest. But nothing is assured in life. Write the letter as if you might not see them again. It’s important to tell our kids about our love for them, how we appreciate them, and their unique qualities because our words matter and represent an affirmation that can undergird their existence and create the lift that enables them to attain the self-sufficiency and independence we both seek. Here are some questions you may want to use as a guide, but the words need to be yours, and there may be some other areas you wish to address. I’d guard against lecturing or prescribing the future you want them to have; instead, whatever route they take, you will be there for them and be their biggest cheerleader.

1. Be sure to state your unconditional love for them, no matter what. This is critical to a sense of security.
2. Reflect on their childhood and special memories you have of them and your relationship.
3. What did you most enjoy or appreciate about them, then and now?
4. Were there special times, the memories of which bring a smile to your face?
5. Were there times of sadness and loss that you need to acknowledge?
6. Do you have some regrets or mistakes you would like to apologize for? Tell them you wish you could have a do-over.
7. Were there challenges, conflicts, or difficulties you faced with them and worked through?
8. What do you most appreciate about them (who they are), what they have accomplished, and their gifts (what they can do)?
9. Share ways they have been a blessing to you.
10. What do you hope for them in the future?
11. How do you hope they will remember you after you have died?
12. Any other words you want them to have in case something happens to you.

Deliver the Mail

The delivery to your son or daughter is essential. My advice, which may take a little courage and vulnerability, is to find a quiet, uninterrupted time and space, preferably outside the house, where you can read this letter to them.  After you do, please give them a copy, but keep one for yourself so you know what you said and have a record of this in case their letter gets misplaced. My guess is they will cherish this heartfelt “rite of passage” message to them as they move into adulthood. Don’t ask for or expect a response letter. This letter should be an unconditional gift to our kids. If you share this with them outside of reading this, such as mailing it to them, ask only that they acknowledge that they got it. You don’t expect more than this. Finally, although graduation is ideal for this letter, why wait? I wrote and shared my letters with my kids when they were younger. I can remember reading this to my son and the tears welling up in his eyes and mine. Graduation is a great time to write such a letter. Sure beats a typewriter in my day or cash and a new laptop today. But then again, why wait?