Enabling is a neutral noun that can help or hinder a young adult’s development and transition to responsible independence. One definition from the Cambridge Dictionary is:
“Something or someone that makes it possible for a particular thing to happen or be done.”
My mission is to coach parents on ways they can support or enable their young adults to attain sufficiency and responsible independence. The adjectives for enabling, such as empower, allow, authorize, support, and approve, fit within my definition of positive enabling. So, I am an enabler, and I coach parents to be enablers of a young adult’s behavior that leads to greater autonomy and responsibility. Supporting a son or daughter to look for a job, create a resume, or apply for a job online without doing it for them is enabling. What shifts the meaning of enabling to a negative connotation is the motivation and impact of the parent’s behavior on the young adult.
The Origin of the Negative Connotation to Enabling
Around the mid-20th century, growing out of the addiction field, the word and concept of enabling was hijacked and became associated with supporting addictive behaviors. That’s not to say that its use over time, which has become widespread by many in our society, hasn’t helped label actions and address their destructive impact. Over time, dictionaries began to add a different twist to the word enabling. This new description of an enabler is:
“Someone who persistently behaves in ways that justify or support someone else’s harmful, destructive, or inappropriate behavior.”
Co-dependence
In the mid and late-20th century, we saw the rise of another term – codependency. Codependency is a condition as applied to the parent/child relationship where the parent prioritizes the needs of the child over their own and assesses their self-worth and mood based upon the child’s behavior or attitude toward them. Often, parents who enable are co-dependent on their young adult and exhibit one or more of the following:
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- Need for approval
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- Avoidance of conflict
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- Excessive feeling of responsibility for the young adult’s habits or behavior
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- Doing things you don’t want to do to make the young adult happy
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- Tendency to control and make decisions for the young adult
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- Fears of rejection and abandonment
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- Guilt and anxiety when meeting one’s needs
Disabling
When parents enable young adults to avoid the consequences of their inappropriate or destructive behavior, the label of such parental behavior should be disabling. Some of the ways that I have observed parents disabling their young adults include:
- Doing things for the young adults that they can do for themselves.
- Excusing inappropriate behavior because the young adult is anxious, depressed, has ADHD, or some other mental health problem.
- Giving in to the young adult when threatened or told that the young adult will not talk to you again.
- Giving money that is likely to be used for drugs or things that are not important to their transition into adulthood to make them happy or avoid rejection.
- Allowing a young adult to remain in the home while violating norms or rules that society would not tolerate – drug usage and dealing, stealing, physical abuse or threats, and destruction of property.
- Allowing the young adult to live at home and do nothing except possibly play video games.
How Do We Decide Whether One’s Actions are Enabling?
I encourage parents, when trying to balance love and backbone, to ask three questions:
- Is my action driven by love or fear, guilt, anger, resentment, frustration, or need to be accepted by the young adult?
- Is my action aligned with my values, such as honesty, responsibility, trustworthiness, and keeping one’s word?
- Is my action likely to increase dependence or independence in the young adult?
There’s a common perception that today’s parents have become more invested in the success and happiness of their children, and this creates a level of tension when a parent has to say no or establish boundaries (i.e. you can’t use the car unless you put gas in it; I won’t pay for school if you are failing; you cannot live at home if you are breaking rules that society would not tolerate). We have less trouble grabbing a toddler when he heads for the street but hesitate to call the police when our adult child is intoxicated and driving our car. “No” is not a four-letter word and may be the most important and loving action we can take.
Examples of Enabling
In my latest book, I offer some examples of parents with whom I have worked, making tough decisions and engaging in helpful enabling behavior. When a young man said he would never speak to them again if they kicked him out, they stayed firm in the house rules. This young man now credits his parents for completing a computer science training program. On the proactive side of enabling, I advise parents to partner with young adults on their plans and actions toward independence. Such partnering may include taking them to an interview, helping them with a resume, and finding or providing transportation so they can attend classes locally or get to work. Sometimes, it’s hard to back-peddle if you have been disabling. One mother and father were paying for an apartment and a subsidy for food while their twenty-five-year-old son was living in a city on the West Coast. Even though they said he had to take over his expenses because they were about to retire, nothing changed. I worked with these parents to gradually reduce the subsidy to zero over several months, which forced this young man to step up, spend less on eating out, and consider moving to a cheaper apartment or getting another part-time job. In the end, if you are meeting the three decision-making criteria identified above and partnering with them toward greater sufficiency and independence, you can think of yourself as an enabler in the best meaning of the word.
For more help with being an enabler in the best sense of the word, obtain a copy of my book on Amazon, and if you like it and think it’s helpful, please write a positive review for me.
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