In a court-ordered therapy session that my colleague at Wilder Child Guidance Clinic conducted, a father and his teenage son sat across from each other. The father, a big, burly man, was not at all happy about having to take off work for this session due to his son’s delinquency. There was a moment when neither spoke as the young man hung his head down. Finally, he looked up at his Dad and asked this question: “would you cry if I died?” The father’s face and eyes softened, and he responded: “there are not enough buckets in the world to hold the tears I would cry if something happened to you.”
When my colleague told me this story, she had tears in her eyes, as did I. What a powerful message that left no doubt about how much this dad loved his son despite the problems the son was having. Isn’t this a message we have all wanted and hopefully heard from our parents? Even if you haven’t heard it from them, don’t make the same mistake and withhold this from your kids, no matter what their age.
Most parents I work with and survey in my workshops indicate that they have communicated unconditional love to their son or daughter. If you are prone to communicate this routinely and have a solid and amicable relationship with your son or daughter, this message likely gets across. However, if you have a contentious relationship or your young adult acts inappropriately or in destructive ways according to your values and principles, they may question your love. Some may feel they are not lovable because of their actions. Sometimes, we may be prone to use the phrase “I love you, but…” The message they hear is what’s said after the but and not before it. I coach parents to communicate love without a “but” or “however,” or other qualifiers. Have a separate discussion focusing on your disapproval of your young adult’s decisions or behavior and not your love for them.
Unconditional Love is A Fundamental Practice in the Parent’s Launch Code
In my recent book entitled The Parent’s Launch Code, I identify the communication of unconditional love as fundamental to fostering a successful launch. I compare the reassurance given at the young adult stage to that of the toddler launch stage. We have learned a lot about the importance of attachment in early childhood, so when this exists, the toddler freely moves out across the room or yard but periodically looks back to the caretaker to know that they are still there. If the caretaker is not there emotionally, the toddler may cling to the parent’s leg or eventually toddle off and not look back, learning to to live without the reassurance of love that is needed. Fast-forward to the teen and young adult stage, often referred to as the second stage of differentiation, and the pattern repeats. The teen or young adult now toddles off in a three-ton dangerous automobile but still wants to know that mom and dad are there emotionally for them. If they don’t have that reassurance, they may act out to evoke a response from the parent to indicate that the parent still cares or, in some cases, choose to cut off the relationship with the parent.
My Story
I tell a story in my book of my relationship with my father, where I felt estranged emotionally. My father was a good man, a good provider, and never abusive in a physical sense. But he was not emotionally available, unaffectionate, and never communicated his love for me. When I went home from graduate school sporting a poor excuse for a beard, I think he associated my appearance with hippies and refused to talk to me. His silence added to my insecurity about his feelings toward me and whether he loved me “no matter what.” There’s much more to the story than I can offer in this brief blog, but the good news is that my father and I reconciled, and I heard him reassure me of his love for me.
Saying I Love You While Saying Goodbye
In my coaching of parents, I ask them to write a letter to their young adult as if they are going way out of the country and may not see them again. Use this letter to say how much you love them and that they matter. Also, this letter is a time to use the healing practices of apologizing for mistakes made or actions you might like to do over if you could. Tell them how much you have enjoyed them and what qualities about them you most appreciate. Finally, tell them of your hopes for their happiness and success and that you will always love and be there for them. I have done this with each of my children in writing. Writing is my preferred way of communicating what’s in my heart, but you may prefer to speak from your heart directly. I’m sure they remember when I shared this letter with them and may still have a copy. If not, I have a copy, which will be there for them as a promise I made after I am gone.
A Call to Action
What about you, moms and dads? Is this something that you have done or may need to do? If you have any doubt that your message has gotten across, why not step up now to ensure that this foundational practice is in play?
Take the Unconditional Love Expression Quiz to identify opportunities to reinforce your message of love in actions and words.
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