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Parents Letting Go - Dr. Jack Stoltzfus

Parental Coaching & Resources in Minnesota

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Are you embarrassed or uncomfortable admitting to friends and extended family members that you have a twenty-something-year-old living in your basement? Do they avoid going out with friends or dating because they don’t want to admit they are living with Mommy and Daddy? Do you feel guilty or that you have failed because you have a twenty-something young adult living at home, and worse yet, you enjoy having them at home? One study found that seventy-two percent of parents enjoy having their young adult living at home. Another found that eighty-five percent of parents would welcome their young adult back home at any time for any reason. Well, I have good news. Having a twenty-something-year-old amiably living at home is not a disease or a sign of parental failure; it’s called multigenerational living. Multigenerational living is when you have two or more adults of different generations living together – adult children and parents, or parents and grandparents.

More Young Adults Are Living at Home

In a recent podcast with a podcaster from India, I noted that in the United States, parents sound the alarm when their twenty-five-year-old is still at home. He remarked that in India, if a twenty-five-year-old single person is not living at home, there is something wrong. There is clearly a cultural difference at play, in which the United States focuses on independence and leaving home in the late teens and early twenties. There has been a trend toward later check-outs at home hotels among 18-29-year-olds in the United States. Depending on the survey data you use, the trend can be as high as 50% of young adults still living with one or both parents. What’s driving this trend? Economics for one. Big challenges include housing costs, a higher cost of living, including rent, and student debt, which create a financial burden and make it impossible to save for a house. The job market is another contributor to the stay-at-home trend among young adults. We’ve gone from an employer-shortage labor market to a weaker hiring situation. Let’s agree that the trend of living at home is not necessarily a function of helicopter parents or couch-potato young adults.

Where a Young Adult Lives is not the Litmus Test for a Successful Launch

I argue that “failure to launch” has nothing to do with where the young adult lives. If young adults live with their parents, do their own laundry, keep their rooms neat, help with cleaning and household chores, cook a few meals a week, pay rent if they work, and have an amiable relationship with their parents, they are launched. On the other hand, if a young adult is living in an apartment, has no job, and is fully subsidized by parents who are paying the rent and living expenses, they are not launched. In addition, since my definition of a launched young adult includes not just attaining self-sufficiency and responsible independence, but also sustaining a positive bond with parents or resolving past issues with them, then the angry, contentious, resentful, or estranged young adults have not launched as well.

What is A Healthy Living Situation for Parents and Young Adults at Home?

One blog I wrote not too long ago was entitled “If You Have a Young Adult Living at Home, You Have a Roommate.” In this article, I argue that there needs to be a shift from a parent-child to an adult-adult approach in such a living situation, where the young adult participates fully in the costs and responsibilities of the home. One criterion for living at home is that the young adult is either working, going to school, or a combination of the two. Doing nothing is not an option. Now, there may be a grace period during which the young adult looks for employment and applies for jobs that align with their skills or education, but they may need to do some part-time work during this period to contribute to the household. I have one young man who is applying for full-time work but has an agreement to pay his mother $100 a week to cover insurance, room and board, cell phone service, etc. He is fulfilling this obligation by doing DoorDash a few times a week. He doesn’t want a career as a DoorDash driver, but he understands he has to step up and contribute to the household costs. Parents don’t offer unemployment benefits.

What Can Contribute to a Positive Experience for the Young Adult Living at Home?

  1. Clear expectations serve as the starting point for parents and young adults to live harmoniously. This is especially true if a young adult is moving back home. Specifically, why is the young adult moving back home, how long do they plan to stay, and what do they hope to achieve? Expectations of participation in the responsibilities and costs of the household – make and attend dinner twice a week, for example. If they have been living at home and may have never left, changing expectations now that they are adults can be challenging. When I am working with parents and young adults, this is when I introduce the roommate concept for living at home as an adult child.
  2. It’s important to learn about their plans and needs over the next five years. What are their career and job aspirations? What milestones do they plan to achieve? How do they plan to generate income and manage expenses? What assistance do they want from parents over the next five years? See Chapter Six in The Parent’s Launch Code for a set of interview questions to gather information on the plans and needs for parental support.
  3. Some regular check-ins (suggest monthly) on how expectations are being met and how the living arrangement is working. I like to focus check-ins on two questions – what’s working or going well, and what positive changes can each family member make to help improve living together? If there is a complaint, change this to a suggestion of what would help.

When Is It Time for the Young Adult to Leave?

There are several reasons why living at home as an adult child may need to change. Here are a few:

  1. The young adult decides to leave.
  2. The parent wants the young adult to leave due to costs, parents’ retirement, downsizing, travel, or a general desire for privacy and time together as a couple.
  3. The young adult is unable or unwilling to meet certain expectations, especially deal-breaker house rules such as no illicit drugs, no stealing, no threats or acts of violence, no job or school, or the living together has become contentious.

Whatever the reasons that the arrangement does not work out, it is important that the parent supports the transition. Even in cases of deal-breaker rule violations, parents can still be supportive. Parents can say, “It’s clear you need to live on your own since you are having problems with our rules, and we respect your decision and will help you in the transition – find housing, give you some furniture, dishes, food, some seed money to get started, etc.” Let’s face it, sometimes it’s just time to part ways, and we need to recognize that the young adult wants to be their own person and have a life that doesn’t fit well with their current family, but this is not a reason to cut off communication or stop caring and helping them in appropriate ways.

For more specific information on some of the points above, click on these blogs.

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Dr. Jack Stoltzfus
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