In a previous article, I defined parental estrangement as the action by an adult child to cut off communication and interaction with a parent. I noted that one in four young adults becomes estranged from a parent for some time, usually around five months, and that there is evidence that this pattern has been increasing. Can parents prevent this from happening?
The short answer is “no.” If an adult child decides to have no contact with a parent or parents, there is nothing a parent can do legally or otherwise to compel their child to reconnect with them. One parent who was very close to her daughter throughout the time the daughter was growing up was told, within a year of the daughter’s marriage, that she and her new husband had decided they would have no contact with either set of parents. The explanation given was that they wanted to build a life together without any interference or influence from their parents. This mother’s grief was overwhelming and continues to be a source of great sadness to this day. “It’s almost worse than having your daughter die; to know that she is alive somewhere but refuses to contact me,” she decries.
Addressing the Causes of Estrangement
Since this blog is about preventing estrangement, let’s discuss the predominant causes of estrangement.
- First, as Josh Coleman has found in his research, many estrangement situations arise out of the experience of divorce of the parents. In particular, an adult child may side with one parent in the divorce, and such loyalty becomes expressed in the rejection of any contact with the other parent. The divorced parents’ continuing conflict, the non-custodial parent’s lack of contact or reliability in keeping promises, or lack of financial support may further alienate an adult child. For parents who are contemplating or in the process of seeking a divorce, it’s beneficial to express a willingness to accept responsibility for the decision, clearly state the child is not to blame, and remain neutral if not encouraging the adult child to pursue a relationship with each parent. Since a child is not responsible for the divorce, why would you want them to take sides or alienate the other parent? Sometimes, when a divorced parent remarries, the adult children may not approve and will choose to reduce contact with the biological parent. Conflict between parents and a son or daughter-in-law may lead to a cutoff from one or both sets of parents. These are very delicate situations that I address in my book on launching young adults. Both parents, but especially mothers, need to be very proactive in reaching out to daughters-in-law and building a relationship that affirms them and the marriage. Most of the conflicts and risks of estrangement occur between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. If it comes down to an adult child needing to choose between a spouse and a parent, the parent will typically lose.
- Second, sometimes the condition or actions of the parents or adult child may be the cause. The parents’ behavior, such as verbal threats or physical abuse, a parent’s mental illness or addiction, may lead to estrangement. Taking personal responsibility for these problems and seeking professional help early can be crucial to heading off estrangement. If a parent has a history of verbal, physical, or substance abuse, the parent needs to get help and apologize for such past actions as well as ensure these are no longer a source of contention in the relationship with the adult child. I devote an entire chapter to the practice of parental apology in my book The Parent’s Launch Code. It is the antidote to guilt. Adopting a practice of taking responsibility for mistakes or damaging actions and apologizing can’t happen too early in the parent-child experience. But sometimes the problem resides with the young adult.
- Third, the adult child’s mental illness or threatening behavior may also lead to a breach in the relationship. The adult child may attribute their mental health issues to the parents and cut off the relationship. Too often, therapists inadvertently, as a way of supporting the child, reinforce estrangement even when there may be opportunities for reconciliation. A parent should offer to attend one or more sessions with their child’s therapist, if possible. You can’t force parents or adult children to seek help for unresolved mental health or substance abuse issues that represent the source of estrangement, but the parent should not reciprocate by refusing contact out of hurt or spite. We need these relationships with our kids, and they need us.
- Fourth, parents and adult children may clash over values, political or religious differences, lifestyle, gender, or sexual orientation to the point that the adult child distances themselves from the parent. This is sad and a loss for both parties. There are too many empty chairs at family gatherings because parents are unaccepting of their adult children’s decisions or views. When it’s clear to the young adult that their decisions and choices are not respected, is it any surprise they don’t want to show up for these special occasions or come home for visits? We live in an increasingly polarized world where family members seem to be drawn into these different political, religious, and lifestyle camps and stop communicating. This is a loss for both parties. Parents need to reach out to their adult children and let them know they are unconditionally loved and want to have contact with their adult child, even though there may be areas of disagreement. Nothing should ever lead us as parents to stop loving our kids, no matter what or how much we may disapprove of their behavior, decisions, beliefs, or values.
The Practices that can Prevent Estrangement
My book The Parent’s Launch Code; Loving and Letting Go of Our Adult Children describes a set of practices that parents can employ or strengthen that will increase the likelihood of the young adult becoming self-sufficient and responsibly independent while maintaining a positive bond or connection to the parents. For those parents at the launching stage, I would highly recommend embracing these upstream practices that can reduce the risk of estrangement. A reminder that 6% of young adults are estranged from their mothers, but 26% are estranged from their fathers. As fathers we need to do better at building a strong bond with our kids at an early age and continue this into the teen/young adult period. Both parents need to invest in the practices I outline in the book to reduce the risk of estrangement and support a successful launch. Briefly, here are the six practices and their desired impact:
- Expressing unconditional love, no matter the behavior of the child. This secures the relationship and enables the young adult to take necessary risks in life, knowing mom and dad are there for them.
- Strengthening the relationship by showing respect, listening, asking open-ended questions, seeking feedforward on how to be a better parent, and shifting from a controlling and directing parent to a coaching and consulting parent.
- Apologizing to both address guilt you may have about doing or not doing something in raising your child can soften the resentment that your child may have toward you. This is critical to prevent estrangement. Take responsibility, apologize, and make amends.
- Practicing forgiveness of self for not being a perfect parent, and in some cases, forgive your adult child for their behavior. Some adult children may cut off contact because they feel ashamed or embarrassed by their behavior. Forgiveness can heal this.
- Combining unconditional love with being able to set limits, establish boundaries, and follow principles in your relationship with the young adult is essential. Doing the right thing and saying “no” may be hard and may risk estrangement, but if done in love and explained as such to the young adult, it can reduce the likelihood of extended estrangement.
- Saying goodbye to our kids with a message of love and support for their independence, happiness, and success, and stepping back is necessary for the desired outcome of a more adult-to-adult relationship.
The good news is that over 80% of estranged young adults reconnect with their parents. Implementing the practices above not only can prevent or reduce the likelihood of estrangement but can also provide a path to reconciliation. We all suffer when we don’t have our kids in our lives.
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