The recent assassination of Charlie Kirk comes on the heels of the attack and mass killing of two children and the injury of twenty-one other victims at Annunciation Church in Minneapolis. How could this happen? What mental health problem did these shooters have? Where were the parents? Friends? Were there signs that they were disturbed and angry and might act out? How could this have been prevented?
Sometimes the Signs Are Not There
These and many more questions remain following these two incidents, and we wonder where and when the next one will occur. Although information is still being gathered, some questions may never be answered. Not unlike Tyler Robinson or Luigi Mangione, Robin Westman, 23 years old, did not disclose to friends or family his rage-filled thoughts and plans to attack children at this school. This type of “lone wolf” shooter is almost impossible to spot unless there are clear signs or signals that others pick up on and intervene. In the case of Mangione and more recently the Charlie Kirk shooter, these individuals were good students and in Mangione’s case, a U. of Penn college and graduate with a master’s degree. In neither of these individually targeted cases did there appear to be a history of mental illness or disturbed family relations.
No Simple Answers
Easy access to weapons, especially automatic rifles, is a factor, not unlike the problem of how easy access to illicit drugs increases the likelihood of drug abuse and addiction. But this is not my area of expertise, and I believe others are more qualified to address this challenge. My work is with parents and their young adult children. I’m deeply committed to helping parents love and let go of their young adults while maintaining a caring bond with them. The latter goal, I believe, has the potential of reducing the risk of acting out by these adult children. Unfortunately, today we are seeing more young adults cutting off contact with their parents, which was clearly the case with Mangione. One in four young adults cuts off communication with parents at some point during their young adulthood. When this happens, and in Mangione’s case, he also cut off contact with friends, the young person hears only their own voice and ruminations. He or she lacks the reality check they need for a family member or friend to say, “Hey, you really don’t want to do something like that!” or “you sound depressed and could really benefit from talking with a professional.” In two recent blogs, I discuss things that can be done to reduce or prevent cut-offs by adult children.
There is no simple answer to the question of what parents can do to prevent violent acts by teens or young adults. That said, we all want to do our best to reduce potential problems or risk factors that may signal a problem, mental health, or otherwise. I fall back on my wheel of practices and encourage parents to strengthen these. Most importantly, we need to launch our kids into adulthood while maintaining a caring bond with them. The latter is critically important to stemming the tide of estrangement during this period of development. Parents, even in contentious situations, need to find a way to partner or collaborate with the young adult as they move toward independence. In this regard, I wrote a blog entitled Never Kick Your Young Adult Out of The House. This doesn’t mean that there may not come a time when living together becomes incompatible; but, even under such circumstances, parents can say “let’s help you to find a way to live outside of the home where there would be less conflict for all of us.”
Practices That Can Make A difference
The practices illustrated above can be achieved with a few actions:
- First, we need to communicate unconditional love to our young adult children. This secures the relationship.
- Second, we need to strengthen our ties with them by shifting from a direct and control approach to a consult and coach one. Listening, asking open-ended questions, and requesting suggestions for how we as parents can be more helpful are part of this second practice.
- Third, we need to apologize for what we did or did not do that was hurtful or at least not beneficial in their growth. I worked with a family with a young adult living at home with tremendous anger toward his parents and threatened that if they kicked him out, he would never talk to them again. In my interview with this young adult, he disclosed that he was bullied as a kid and didn’t think his parents supported him during this time. His parents apologized, and the relationship changed and softened, and after a few months, he moved out to live with a group of friends. Many of the estrangement situations with young adults are rooted in memories of some failure on the part of the parent.
- Fourth, we need to forgive ourselves and our kids for the ways we fall short of our standards.
- Fifth, we need to stay firm on our values and principles, such as honesty, responsibility, concern for others, and hopefully, these will be transmitted to the young adult.
- Finally, we need to say goodbye and move to a place where there is caring, mutual respect for the autonomy of both parents and kids.
If we implement these practices, will this be enough to prevent problems or acting out by the young adult? The answer is no; these are necessary but not sufficient answers to the question of what parents can do. We need to do more to stay connected and in communication with our teen and young adult kids. Listen to the words of Sue Klebold in this regard. Sue was the mother of Dylan Klebold, one of the Columbine High School shooters, who makes this painful argument:
“There is perhaps no harder truth for a parent to hear, but it is one that no parent on earth knows better than I do, and it is this: love is not enough. I missed subtle signs of psychological deterioration that, had I noticed, might have made a difference for Dylan and his victims-all the difference in the world.”
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